Insomia Again

I don't know if you still read my blog or not. I keep reading your last email over and over again. I must have read it at least 10 times today. I'm just waiting for the 16th of February to be here. I have faith in God and I know my prayers will be answered. I've never prayed this hard before in my entire life. Not even for my SPM. For the first time, I'm actually looking forward to classes next Monday because I'll be so busy that I'll be distracted for a while and it'll make it seem like the days are going by faster. If only you could see me now, if only you could see the things I'm thinking and see me inside.

Not hearing from you is painful but I agree that this is probably the best thing for us right now. Things will probably be more or less like this in the future once you graduate and I'm still here. But we are already a better couple now. I just want to make you happy again and make you feel like the luckiest girl on Earth. I want to make up for my sins and prove you wrong, prove to you that I am someone that you can trust again. In the end, I'll be the one saying 'I told you so' instead of your friends doing so. Don't give up on us just yet. Just like you said in your email, you're not giving up just yet. I also remember what you said in that Italian Restaurant and in that sms you sent me, I'm still waiting for you.

Basketball

It wasn't cold but the winds were strong and the snow was thick. That didn't stop us from venturing out to play basketball. It's been awhile since I did and it was a nice change to being cramped up alone in my room and letting my overactive imagination get the best of me. Half my body is aching right now. I don't usually feel like this after a game. Maybe it's because of my current vegetarian diet.

I had a bit of fun. I gave up smoking weeks ago but I guess the effect will linger around for a little while. For some reason, everytime I scored a basket, I found myself looking at the benches nearby. I thought it was weird myself and only a while after did I realize that I was hoping to see you there. At tournaments, each time I scored, I'd look at you and you'd be smiling at me as if you were saying 'good job, baby. Score a few more for me'. I got depressed, lost focus and played one of the worst games in my entire life.

I tripped at one point. You know that feeling when an accident happens and you can somehow smell blood? Lying down on the ground, I swear to God, I could smell your scent. It wasn't vague but vivid, as if you were crouched over me checking if I was injured or not. I didn't want to get up because I didn't want to lose your scent. Maybe it's because I've been sleeping with your t-shirt next to my face since the day you left. It disappeared after a few minutes and I felt like it was such a painful prank but after awhile, I felt as if you were present in the hall, watching my every move. This may sound insane but I felt closer to you for some reason after that.

I've made up my mind. I'm not playing in the inter-Moscow games nor am I playing in the Kursk Games. I have no reason to play. I want to win something much more significant and meaningful. I know I'll win. Nothing can stop me.

Tests and Trials

A close friend of mine, my closest friend in my university once told me that we should never blame God for the hardships that you have to endure because God will never put you through something that He knows you can't handle.

Family, life, studies, health and love. Those are things that are bugging me right now and I am truly going insane. I can't stand it anymore. Isolation does not help. Cramped up in a room with a view of grey skies and falling snow isn't what I'd call a conducive atmosphere.

But I know all shall pass. It's always darkest before dawn and a rainbow only appears after a rain. Prayer and hope is all I have right now.

Untitled

You'll be happy to know that some of my friends are back so I'm not alone anymore. I have some people to keep me company but in my heart, I'm dying of emptiness. I find myself staring at the calendar and counting down the days until you come back to me. It's exactly two weeks till you arrive in Moscow again. I recall you telling me that a week went by really fast for you. For me however, it felt like an eternity.

The guys made black pepper chicken just now and I fried some vegetables for dinner. The dish they made smelt really good and I found myself wishing I could just take a bite but I'm no longer that person, I'm different. There's a lot of things I wish I could do right now like have a BigMac, drown my sorrows in alcohol and smoke my lungs out but breaking my fast will just mean a broken promise, alcohol will not solve my problems and smoking will probably deteriorate my health even more.

What I really want however is to be happy with you again, to wake up to your messages, to feel your warm embrace, to hear your soothing voice and bask in the bliss that is your presence. I want to be able to grasp your hands in mine and to be able to feel you gripping back. Your tender kisses on me and the comfort that comes along with your scent. I want to be able to see your beautiful smile again and hear that addictive laughter of yours that sometimes sound like a comedic version of a motorboat.

I'm prepared to take on anything that comes along our way head on. No matter how painful or how hard. No matter how bad or tough you may treat me. Even if it kills me, I'll take on the world if I have to and this is no 'sugarcoated lie'.

Because what I want, above everything else, even disregarding my own sanity and well being, is simply for you to love me again...

Insomnia

This is what I hate about not being able to sleep at night. Your friends are asleep but then again, I'm all alone here. You start thinking about things that you're not supposed to. You try to recall the last time you actually hard a good nights sleep and for me, that was weeks ago. I was actually playing cards by myself. I hope I don't go mad.

Gods Way

A priest once told me that when you pray to God for patience, He doesn't hand you patience on a silver platter. He gives you an opportunity to be patient because that's when you learn how to be patient. When you pray to God for strength and courage, it won't come flying in from Heaven, you'll be put in a situation where you'll have to work for strength and courage.

I know God is just testing me, He's testing me, He's testing you but most of all, He's testing us. Call me superstitious or crazy but I've seen this before. I've seen His grace working so many times already and I know that it's His doing again. I can see it and I can feel it.

You've probably heard so many stories about couples like us with situations similar to what we're in right now and I understand. You're looking for closure and assurance. However, the difference with guys from those other couples compared to me is that they don't end up like me right now. They don't have what it takes and they just don't want to change. I've changed and you yourself said that you see the change in me right now. The question that remains is for how long? I know myself better than you know me. You hate the old me but you'll love the new me. This change is permanent. People around me who don't know what's going on, notice the change in me. That's why I'm just waiting for you to come back to me. You'll see.

I'm alone now and I'm cramped up in my room all the time but yet, He still manages to give me signs that my prayers and efforts are not in vain. I prayed for patience and He's giving me an opportunity to be patient. I have been every night. I prayed for strength and courage and what I'm going through right now is definitely what I asked for. I pray that I won't lose the girl that I'm with right now and He has helped strengthen our bond. I now know that after this we'll survive the test of time and distance without even trying. God loves us and wants us to be together. I don't have high hopes. This is called faith, faith in Him and faith in us.

Waiting

Around 7pm Moscow time, I usually keep my phone close to me no matter where I am or what I'm doing because I know you'll message me after midnight in Malaysia. I did the same today, checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if I missed something or whether my phone was off. My imagination ran wild again like a stallion and I was really tempted to message your mums phone but I thought better of it and decided to give you some space. You must have had a tiring day and I understand. Hope you had a blast though. I'm keeping what you said in that text message 2 days ago close to my heart and I'm still here waiting for you.

Under The Weather

Guess what? I'm sick. I woke up with a fever but nothing serious. The only thing that saddens me is that my nose is blocked and I can't sniff your t-shirt anymore. That means no more anesthetics.

I See You Shining Through The Rain

I began this day as I have everyday since that tragic Thursday, probably more or less the same way any family member would after the death of a loved one, with an unbearable sense of emptiness and anger towards the person responsible but in this case, that person is me.

Yes, I'm angry at myself. Maybe that's why I've almost ceased caring for myself. The only reason why I still care is because of those words you said - 'please wait for me'. Inside me, there's this immense feeling of hatred building up but not for you, your friends nor your sisters but for myself. They say time heals all and I hope this is true in your case. However, it isn't for me. With each passing day, as I count down the days till your return to Moscow, I find that hatred building up more and more. Subtle and calm in the beginning but mutating into something much more violent and frightening. Each and everyday I pray that you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.

We nearly ended up quarreling again today over a little misunderstanding. I'm not mad nor was I annoyed. Instead, I was quivering with fear that we'll end up arguing again. I'm just glad that you checked my previous text messages and saw that I was telling the truth and that nothing I said was sugarcoated. Maybe I just wanted us to say goodnight to each other on a friendlier note because our conversations always seem to end bitter lately.

I smiled sincerely for the first time in what seemed to be a very long time and I'll be content knowing that I managed to carve even the tiniest smile on your face. I know that there will be a lot of bumps and obstacles on the journey ahead of us but please remember that you're not alone because I'll be with you each and every step of the way. Do your worse and come what may but I'm not budging and not going anywhere ( Hey, that rhymed! ). What happened yesterday speaks for itself and is a testimony of what I just said. I know what I'm getting myself into and I accept whatever that comes knocking on my door because all I want is a lifetime with you. You claim to be a crazy girlfriend, well guess what? I'm a bit crazy myself.

You've got a long day ahead of you tomorrow and you're probably awake getting ready for it by now. I wish I could be there to support you but for now, the only thing that I can do is pray for you and pray for us.

Eye Opener

I'm still numb after what happened last night. It was like a bad dream that I want to forget, certain lines and certain scenes keep playing over and over again in my head. I just don't know what to think. The things you said last night were really beyond words. But I accept them with open my hands and an open heart. I deserve them, I brought them upon myself. I just hope you get back to your normal self again soon and please don't think I'm trying to make you look bad here. I'm not. You have home and family over there. I have only blogspot.

Ohana

I was browsing through our old emails and was reminded of this.
Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
:-(

Undefined

Do you know when am I the happiest these days? No matter how badly you treat me, no matter how much you scold me, no matter what names you call me, no matter how much you hurt me, no matter how you make me feel not human, no matter how heartless and cold you make me seem, no matter how much I hate myself, no matter how terrified I am and no matter how much you push me away everytime I open myself up to you. All these things don't matter, I accept them all with open hands and a sincere heart because I'm happiest when I hear from you and I know I deserve everything that is happening right now. I brought it upon us and myself. You're right about what you said 2 Saturdays ago. Remember what you said?

" You're a piece of shit that treated me like shit.
You don't deserve anything good.
You're better off sad and
lonely for the rest of your life and
you'll probably die sad and lonely
and you'll have a sad and lonely funeral.
You're not human.
How can you live with yourself? "

It may not be spot on but it was more or less what you said and it keeps playing in my head over and over again like a broken tape recorder. I now know what a broken toy feels like once its batteries run dry. Just like the song below, I know I'm 2 years overdue but I know I can make up for it if only you let me and you don't push me away all the time. God can forgive me because he knows how sorry I am. I'm just praying that you find it in your heart to forgive me too.

Something To Shout About

I got my very first 4 ever since coming to Russia. For some people, this may not sound like such a big deal but for people like me, it was an academical achievement. Getting back to my seat, I still couldn't believe my eyes and all exhaustion just vanished.

Walking out of the classroom, the first thing I did was take out my phone to let you know but it was then I realized that you weren't in Russia and there was no way I could let you know the good news. The euphoria lasted for 10 seconds before I slumped back into my depressed self. Funny how the first person I thought of was still you but I could never find you.

Maybe I was expecting some words of comfort after pouring this out to you instead of you avoiding it altogether? I don't know. But then again, you're in more need of comfort than me right now. But you're home and I'm here all alone holding on to promises made that will be fulfilled and hopes that could be destroyed within a few seconds.

I'm not a piece of crap. Please don't do this to me.

Give Me Something To Smile About

Didn't sleep at all because I was burning the midnight oil for my exam today but all was in vain because I couldn't concentrate at all. Even now, 5 minutes before I leave, I find myself online typing this instead of getting ready to leave.

Do you know that the first thing I do when I wake up is go online to see if I got any emails from you? You haven't even given me your house address yet. I didn't ask you those times you messaged me because I wanted to see if you still cared about me but I just want you to heal first.

Last night, you made me feel like the worst piece of shit on the planet. I probably am after what happened but that's the reason why I didn't want you to go back because I feel that it's times like that that I need to speak to you. How are things supposed to get better if everything I say hurts you or reminds you of something bad? I told you earlier that the future of this relationship is in your hands right now and I hope you really start to understand this. The only thing I can say is that I never cared about what people thought of me as long as we were together, which is very different from you. I took everything my family threw in my way for 2 years for our sake and you can still say that I was never serious. I don't blame you though because after what happened, I can understand how I may have given that impression. It's the insides that you never saw and even now, you refuse to see the new me when all others around me can literally see. The one person that I want to prove it to refuses to acknowledge the change in me.

I'm an emotional wreck. You should see me right now. Maybe then you'll understand the magnitude of how sorry I am and how determined I am to salvage whatever little that is left. I'm sorry about last night. You must understand that you have your family there with you while I'm here all alone hanging on to the very little amount of sanity that I still have left. Maybe I just wanted to hear a few words of endearment and kindness for comfort perhaps? Please don't make me do something that you'll regret. I beg of you.

The Show Must Go On

I think you must have read my blog because 20 minutes after I posted it, I finally got a text message from you. Wanna hear something funny? I jumped up and ran towards my phone but the second I saw your sisters name on the message, I threw my phone down. I panicked for a while thinking that your sister messaged me to confirm my deepest fears. Finally I got the guts to read it and saw that it was from you. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling under the weather. Please get better soon. Take care.

Everybody's leaving. My floor is practically half empty now. By tomorrow, another bunch is leaving including my roomate and my blockmates. By Wednesday, I'll be the only one on this floor. Have you ever realized the things that you can come up with when you're bored and alone? Add a little sorrow and guilt to that and voila! You've got a recipe for disaster. But wait! Add a little sense-of-nothingness and everything-is-meaningless to that and damn. I wouldn't want to be near anything like that because that's the perfect recipe for mayhem.

I miss you, you know. Your t-shirt is the only thing saying 'the show must go on'.

T-Shirts Are Narcotics Too

I knew I wouldn't hear from you the minute you board that plane. I knew you wouldn't send me a text message from Dubai and from after you arrive in Malaysia. I knew we were never going to keep in touch even while you're home. I'm not angry. I do understand because that's the exact reason why you left, you wanted to heal and forget. Maybe you didn't like the book I gave you? I just wished you didn't promise me that you'd do so because I'm by my phone every minute hoping to hear from you. Every time my phone rings I hope it's you. I even wondered if my phone wasn't working.

I went to the airport today to sell our tickets but I couldn't because they didn't let me. The trip to the airport and back was very painful because we were supposed to be on that train. But at least the trip the airport kept me occupied because of all the hassle and trouble that we had to go through while we were there. I saw a couple in the train expressing their love for each other and imagined that it was us there. I'm really sorry about what happened and I only kept thinking about how I could turn back the hands of time and relive that very moment to prevent it from happening. But I guess I'll have to wait until someone actually invents a time machine.

I haven't eaten a full meal since you left. I had bits and pieces just to fulfill my promise to you. I kept waking up at night because of images of you abandoning me. I kept your t-shirt next to me because your scent was like drugs, giving me a temporary sense of paradise and utopia. I clung on to it as if I was clinging on to dear life itself. I found myself lying down in the darkness drowning myself in guilt, fear, sorrow and regret. It's unhealthy, I know. But let me punish myself for all the things I've done.

I hope to hear from you soon. You're still in my heart, thoughts and prayers. I'm going insane. Please come back to me.

Your sad bunny with its ears down

A Letter Delivered Late

You came when everything was dark, just like rays of sunshine fighting through the storm. A subconcious prayer that was answered and materalized before my eyes. You were someone and we were strangers but you became everything and we became soulmates.

In a cold and dark place, you became my muse. You became someone who not only fought for me but fought with me. You stuck with me through thick and through thin. In a world where weakness is a vulnerability, your warm embrace became the center point of my universe. A small utopia where I could lose myself and destroy these thick walls that I've created to protect myself. The scent of your hair is lovelier than any perfume. The sound of your voice never fails to bring a smile. The character of your laughter is indeed very addictive. The sight of your smile would melt the hardest iceberg. The warmth of your touch is beyond words.

We, human beings are imperfect but that is never an issue because all that matters is loving someone who is imperfect perfectly. It's your little flaws and our differences that attracts us like magnets. I was never perfect but I was made in the image of something less than imperfect. The heavens however sent me an angel straight from above.

A blind person physically is bad but not as bad as someone who has perfect eyesight yet fail to see. I was blinded by my own flaws and imperfections. But I see now. My eyes have been opened by His grace. I have been showered with blessings from above and only made to realize now. I'll never be blind again. How can a person not appreciate life after being handed a 2nd chance?

Wherever you go, whatever you do, I'll be right here waiting for you. I know it's a line from a song. Richard Marx to be exact but it was the first of many songs that I dedicated to you. Maybe Richard Marx stole it from me? Just kidding. On a more serious note, I will be counting the days. 3 weeks is nothing compared to a lifetime with you and only you, Baby.

Beautiful Saturday

I had the best day of 2010 yesterday. It didn't start off well but as the day progressed, it got better and better. I had the best meal I've had in what seemed as a very long time and also I got to spend time with someone who is dearest to me. I had the best sleep but my roomates said I was talking in my sleep. That's embarrassing. I know it'll still take time but that's all I'll have once you go back. Time and hope. I hope you come back. I really do. I swear things will be better.

I Admire You, Professor Burago

Oh wow, here's something I've never done before nor think I'll ever do. I'm updating my blog through my Iphone. I'm so used to blind typing that even typing this intro is being a bitch because of the small keypad on my Iphone.

I had an exam today. Before that, I had to submit my coursework before the exam to be able to take the freaking exam. I tried submitting yesterday but I didn't pass which was surprising because I was pretty sure that everything is more or less accurate. But I found out today why I didn't pass.

For those who don't know the examination system in Russia, here's a short introduction. To be able to take any exam, you need to submit all your labs first. This will be where the professor will ask you how the experiment was conducted and a few theoretical questions that are related to the lab. Then you're required to submit a coursework that is related to the subject and the professor will examine your coursework and you'll have to defend your work so that the professor knows that you did it on your own. Only then you'll be able to sit for your exam.

Now, my professor was awarded the title of academic hero back in the soviet union, he is one of the most respected professors in the whole freaking institute and he wrote countless amount of books that were even translated into English to be used in MIT. Why I didn't pass? Because I didn't buy his freaking book. IDIOT. I asked my Russian classmates and you know what they had to do last semester? They had to look for his book, buy the damn thing and go to him for an autograph after he which he will make a small note that you bought his bloody book. For quite a respected professor, he's also quite the idiot and a narcissist. I mean, COME ON! Buying the book just because you have to is already bad enough but you have to get an autograph from him?! Wonderful. Simply beautiful.

Where am I right now? I'm in a nearby cafe taking a break before trying to submit my bloody coursework again. I'm tired and exhausted. My chest hurts because I just finished an entire box of cigarettes. I didn't sleep the whole night preparing for the exam that I wasn't allowed to take. The gastric acids in my stomach is acting up again. I'm heartbroken and depressed.

The look of the pavement down below from the 16th floor looks pretty tempting right about now.

Wonder What Will Kill Me First

My head is buzzing because I haven't had enough sleep in over a week. My biological clock is messed up beyond repair because I'm not sleeping properly. I have gastric pains every now and then because I haven't been eating solid foods and my chest is hurting. To top it all of like cream on a cake, I've got this really really heavy feeling in my chest.

So what am I doing up at 8 in the morning on a break day? I have no idea. I just can't sleep. I hope the pixies and the fairies come home quick.

The Promise

Let's assume, you had the most precious stone in the world. To that stone is a price tag with so many zeros that even Einstein would go nuts. But you never realized how valuable that stone is until you lost it and the only thing standing your way is a promise that you'll never take that stone for granted anymore. You know for a fact that you won't lose it again because you've learned your lesson but how do you convince that stone that you'll not repeat that same mistake again?

The future of that stone with you is dangling on a thin peace of thread and the slightest breeze would cause it to fall out of your hands. What would you do? Wouldn't you go all out to make sure that the stone won't fall to the ground? Only an idiot would never learn his lesson and let that stone out of his sight. You know for a fact that you'll be a better caretaker and a guardian but like I said, that promise is standing in the way. The problem is not that you can't fulfill your promise, you'll die before breaking that promise but words are just words especially coming from a person that lost the stone in the first place. What would you resort to?

If I was the caretaker and guardian of the stone, after losing such a precious stone, I would be cursing myself and doing everything I can to get it back. I would go to Hell and back just to get a sight of it again. The only thing that I'll need is a place for me in your heart to fill back again because only a fool wouldn't have learned his lesson by now.

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

A Fairy Tale Not Meant for Kids

Once upon a time, there lived a bunny. This bunny was somewhat 'unlucky' because he got kicked out of his burrow and got sent to the coldest place in the world where his bushy tail will fall off in the freaking cold. For quite some time this bunny was cursing his maker of his misfortune until one day, he met a bear.

The bunny took an instant liking towards the bear and things got off to a good start. For the first time since getting sent to Gods Hell on Earth, the bunny was feeling happy and it was mostly thanks to the bear. They had all sorts of adventures together. They went to cities. They went to islands. They went to beaches. They even stayed in burrows and caves together.

This bear was a caring yet fierce bear but because of the bears fierceness, this bunny got scared at times and irritated. However, the bears hard love eventually turned that bunny into a happier, healthier and more hygienic bunny. Thing were looking good for the two however, just like other fairy tales, things always take a turn towards the worst.

The bunny was never the perfect bunny that the bear thought of and the bear was well aware of this. The bear tried changing the bunny and it worked for sometime until the bunny made a very big mistake. A very big mistake, one that should have never been made. The bunny broke the bears heart and the bear was very disappointed. The bunny tried his best to win the bear back but all the bunnys efforts were in vain. The bunny however managed to salvage very little of that relationship and keep things going but at the end of the day, it's a decision that is up to the bear.

The bunny knew that deep down inside, the bunny could change. The bunny could be a better bunny. A more loving bunny. A bunny that would give the bear all the love, respect and loyalty in the world if only the bunny was given a shot at it. The bunny knew that it would be a very hard task but the bunny will succeed. The bunny knew that for a fact.

The bunny wishes that the bear could look into the bunnys heart and see how sorry the bunny is for what the bunny did. How the bunny wishes that the bear could look at how sincere the bunny is at working and rebuilding all that the bunny destroyed. The bunny wishes that the bear could see how terrible the bunny is without the bear. His whiskers untrimmed, his claws long, his fuzzy paws dirty, his eyes sad, his face tired, his mind a mess. All day the only thing the bunny thinks of his the scent of the bear, the smile, the hugs, the kisses, the times shared together and what the future may hold for his bunny and bear.

One day, the bear tells the bunny that her heart is beyond repair and there's nothing the bunny can do. Everything the bunny does is meaningless now. Nothing seems to have value. Nothing seems worth it anymore and nothing is appealing. The bunny couldn't live with himself for the things he has done.

As the pavement gets closer and closer, all the bunny could think of was how he wished that he could turn back the hands of time to a better time and stop himself from committing those horrible deeds. But alas, all is gone. The wind through his bunny ears gives him a feeling of redemption for all the sins he has committed. His heart however is burdened with guilt and hatred for himself. One last look at the pavement above his bunny head, he closes his eyes with his fuzzy bunny paws and in a second, the bunny is no more.

Sunday Revelation

I have amazing friends. I really do. I just never saw them that way earlier for reasons that are still a mystery to me. Am I a Catholic? Yes, I am. And where do Catholics go to on Sundays? They go to church. Where did I go today? To the Gurdwara ( I hope I spelt that right). I'm not converting into another religion or anything like that. I just felt like I needed to get my ass out of my room today and I've been promising my friends to accompany them to that place for God knows how long.

The journey took an hour. More or less. While getting dressed, I was contemplating on bringing my camera long because I had images of a temple filled with holy scriptures, statues and architecture in my head. When asking my friends opinion, he told me just to forget about it. When I asked 'why?', he said that I'll understand when I get there.

The building looked like an abandoned warehouse or something back in the Soviet days. The entrance to it looked scary with a security guard looking at you funny. We had to go up a few flights of stairs filled with Russians smoking near the windows and I was met with a very serious looking Punjabi who looked like he was going to beat the shit out of me if he finds out that I'm not a Sikh.

We took off our jackets and I put the headscarf on my head because it was required that we do so. The place was very misleading because once I entered the praying area. It was very quite and serene. I'm not a Sikh, therefore I didn't pray there. But I just sat in a corner and absorbed the scenery of the place. It was simple, somewhat modern and serene. After that, we were treated to Indian food. So much of it that I almost puked. I enjoyed the food but I'm having stomach discomfort now.

While sitting down there, I was reminded that God works in mysterious ways. We, human beings will never be able to comprehend His thoughts or plans and it's best we just leave that to Him. I realized that maybe God was reaching out to bring His child back into His arms. I've resisted all this while, giving all sorts of excuses and it took a Gurdwara to bring me back to Him. ( Not only that to be honest ). Amazing, isn't it?

The minute I got back, I puked again. Dammit. But after recovering, I immediately went online to look for a Catholic Church. It's been awhile since I've been in God's presence. I want to sit in a chapel where it's quiet, with the Body of Jesus Christ in front of me and just cry out to the Lord. I want to be a child again. To be able to let out my problems and worries to Him, knowing that my cries will not be in vain. I will spend the entire day there tomorrow.

A prodigal son returns, Father. Please accept me again.

First Rantings of 2010

I always pictured 2010 to be a new start for me. 2008 and 2009 were basically times filled with turmoil and hardships for me and I'm glad to have them over with. However, God always has a funny way to mess up your plans. 2010 is beginning to be the worst year for me ever.

It all started with New Year. We were planning a small civilized get together with a bunch of close friends but New Years in Russia never go according to plan. By the end of the day, a fight broke out, a friend lost his passport along with 20000 rubles which is more or less RM2500. He got his passport back. Someone found it and decided to return it. The cash on the other hand, is long gone. I doubt he'll be able to find it again. Hell, if I was the lucky bastard that found that amount cash, I would grab the cash as well.

This part is the most painful for me to write. It is in the human nature to NEVER appreciate something that we have until it's too late. I'm sorry to say I learnt it the hard way. I lost something very dear to me. In fact, it's the only thing that gives meaning to everything I do, think and say here. I'm an idiot to have let it slip out of my grasp. But I'm not stupid enough to repeat the same mistake again. I won't say much here because I'll save it for another post.

So where did the fairies and pixies that were supposed to bring good luck and prosperity to me this year disappear off to? They went on permanent vacation.