My Life's Calling

Last night was very dramatic for me as I probed very deeply into a question that every human being asks themselves at a certain point in their lives. What am I doing here? What is my life's calling? My answer to those questions are, I still have no freaking clue! But I know what it isn't and that is NOT along the lines of being a doctor.

Now I have this friend who is quite known for having 'anger management issues'. Most people can't bear with him but I tolerate him because I feel that his heart is in the right place. So I was asleep and my roommate woke me up all of a sudden saying that this guy was looking for me and I could hear his voice outside shouting 'Den, Den, my hand got cut off'. Now, he's also known to be quite the prankster and I thought he was just pulling my leg because we just watched a zombie movie so I thought he was just trying to be funny.

My eyes were as round as plates the minute I got out into the corridor because there was blood everywhere. It was as if little bloody leprechauns were dancing all over the corridor floor and his hand was literally dangling off his wrist. He wanted to open his room door and I couldn't figure it out, so I had to hold his hand to keep it from toppling over for a few minutes and I could actually feel his bones. Not forgetting that I was getting drenched in his blood as well. I always thought of myself as someone who is able to handle blood but boy, was I wrong. I felt as if I was going to faint before my friend.

After a few cigarettes, I got my brain working again and got things together. The ambulance came and took him away immediately. I was left standing in the cold, drenched in blood as I walk back the blood filled corridor. I was so disturbed that I only fell asleep around 6 in the morning. I have no idea what the fuck happened to him and the only thing he tells us is that he slipped.

We came up with all sorts of theories and one of them was attempted suicide because that was what the guard suggested. I guess we'll just have to wait till he comes home first.

So, yeah. I remember a time once when I wanted to become a doctor because I wanted to make a change in the world and I wanted to help people. Once I got into form 4 and started learning biology, I realized that I'd be saving MORE lives by NOT becoming a doctor because I won't be killing people with my 'license to kill'. Talk about a bullet dodged for mankind.


I finally know what a refugee feels like. I shall stop making jokes about refugees all over the world and I humbly ask for your forgiveness. I should have never taken sadistic pleasure out of your misery.

Let me tell you what happened. After a long week of torture mentally ( from professors ) and physically ( from the harsh Moscow weather ), I was looking forward to a nice day indoors, where I can keep myself warm under my blanket, put on some relaxing music and enjoy a good book. This is one of the many simple life pleasure that I enjoy and it's been awhile since I've been able to do it. 5 minutes into my little piece of heaven, the director of the hostel walks in and says that we have to move everything because they want to do some renovations to the room. It took us bloody 5 hours to move everything and another 2 to settle in into our new room. We'll be here for 2 weeks at least so the room is in a mess. Most of our things are 2 floors below and the things that we've brought up with us are nowhere to be found. The rooms are nice though but it's freezing. I'm sitting down in my sweater and jeans while typing this. I literally know how it feels like to live in a fridge. But then again, that's what you get for coming to one of the coldest places on Earth. A Lebanese guy once told me that he feels like he's being punished for all his sins whenever he steps out into the cold. I feel you, bro.

On a lighter side, I found a lot of shit that I thought I've lost over the years and we've finally found the initiative to redecorate the room once we move back in. The most amazing thing I found was this piece of paper that I wrote when I was 15. I can't even remember bringing it to Moscow, I thought I lost it while cleaning my room before moving to boarding school. It must have slipped somewhere into my books when I was bringing them here. So, here's what I wrote. Just so you know, this was when I was really into the 'conspiracy theory' and shit like that.

Each old year passes with shameful deeds in hindsight,
Each new year reinforces more dreadful plans in foresight,
For September 11 to happen we made way,
We allowed unbridled power to hold sway,
Terrifying global atrocities of ignominy,
We watched, for refugees we collected money.
High altitude bombs on Afghanistan fall,
We watch, we hear, we read it all.
Death it rained to children, women and elders,
In towns, villages and on mudhouse dwellers.
Like grain to flour pounded they are,
Undefeated remain the networks of Al-Qaeda.
To wage war two marched armies attack,
There was no war, 'they' didn't fight back,
"Harborers of terrorist," bla bla bla,
Innocent peasants, it was not their war.
Hiding high above the clouds, cowards superior,
No soldier on ground dared combat the warrior.
Feuding warlords to kill their kith they came,
For the world power's strategy they fell, what shame.
World leaders have turned sheep to 'blair' around the 'bush'.
The rest of us around our necks wear a shameful flush.
"A hundred days, a hundred ways" a victory claim?
Our mortal target no where in sight to aim.
"This war on terrorism, your families will live 'in peace'"
Anger and hatred in the hearts of war victims will cease.
Last drop of family blood sinks in the sand,
Nothing more to lose except life in hand,
With every bomb a hundred more human terrors cloned,
For vengeance is sweet, suicide honed.
We, the nations of the world, stand in condemnation,
We breed the agents for our self-destruction.
War is no way for peace, but the knell,
The UN head takes the cake Nobel.
Justification of draconian legislations,
With the weapon of the 'Medes and the Persians'.
"Members of the world has never been more united", says Georgy.
United in shame, dancing with Ares and Mars in orgy,
World leaders hailed in the annals of history.
Human values relegated to the mortuary.
We deserve the world we claim,
On us be shame, shame oh shame.

My English has deteriorated a lot since those times. Sigh.

Something I Really Want For Christmas

A friend of mine was complaining a couple of days back about how she won't be able to celebrate Christmas this year with her family. This was a very big mistake on her part because she chose the wrong person to complain about it to. Don't get me wrong, I can be sympathetic and be a very good listener if I wanted to but WHAT ABOUT ME? I've not even been home for Christmas since 2006. Not to mention I'm stuck in a country where Christmas just goes about like any other day. She got pretty pissed after I told her to 'join the club'. Not my fault. I think. I hope. I don't think so. What was I talking about again?

I can't believe December is here and 2010 is just around the corner. Wow, time does fly. I've already grown accustomed to not being excited about Christmas. Sad, I know. It's like the time a kid finally realizes that Santa is never going to come because he doesn't exist. It's funny that I never believed in Santa? I blame it on my dad for 'not having a chimney'. Truth be told, I stopped looking forward to Christmas a long time ago. Same goes for New Year, Valentines Day and my own birthday.

But if I could ask Santa for something this year, I would ask for a brand new Nikon D300s. Woohoo! With 2 lenses that'll cost a small fortune. I've been really saving a lot ever since coming back to Russia but money seems to hate me because I can never seem to save money for some reason. Sigh. You know that feeling when you really REALLY want something, been reading shit about it online for months, watching reviews, hanging around forums and discussions boards and putting that bloody thing as your wallpaper ( maybe it's just me, I don't know ) only to realize that the only thing standing between the two of you is the price tag and a few measly notes? I was so disappointed when my dad messaged me the 'best' price he could get it for. But hey, life's like that right? It's not the camera but the photographer right? ( this is the part where you nod and agree with me just to make me feel better ).

But I've been a really good boy lately. My friends can vouch for me on this. I read most of the time now both studies and photography. I'm home most of the time - as sober as a judge. So Santa might just decide to pay me a visit on Christmas maybe? I just hope that mofo dresses warm because it's going to be freaking -30 degrees by the time it hits Christmas and we wouldn't want his balls to freeze, would we?