I began this day as I have everyday since that tragic Thursday, probably more or less the same way any family member would after the death of a loved one, with an unbearable sense of emptiness and anger towards the person responsible but in this case, that person is me.
Yes, I'm angry at myself. Maybe that's why I've almost ceased caring for myself. The only reason why I still care is because of those words you said - 'please wait for me'. Inside me, there's this immense feeling of hatred building up but not for you, your friends nor your sisters but for myself. They say time heals all and I hope this is true in your case. However, it isn't for me. With each passing day, as I count down the days till your return to Moscow, I find that hatred building up more and more. Subtle and calm in the beginning but mutating into something much more violent and frightening. Each and everyday I pray that you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.
We nearly ended up quarreling again today over a little misunderstanding. I'm not mad nor was I annoyed. Instead, I was quivering with fear that we'll end up arguing again. I'm just glad that you checked my previous text messages and saw that I was telling the truth and that nothing I said was sugarcoated. Maybe I just wanted us to say goodnight to each other on a friendlier note because our conversations always seem to end bitter lately.
I smiled sincerely for the first time in what seemed to be a very long time and I'll be content knowing that I managed to carve even the tiniest smile on your face. I know that there will be a lot of bumps and obstacles on the journey ahead of us but please remember that you're not alone because I'll be with you each and every step of the way. Do your worse and come what may but I'm not budging and not going anywhere ( Hey, that rhymed! ). What happened yesterday speaks for itself and is a testimony of what I just said. I know what I'm getting myself into and I accept whatever that comes knocking on my door because all I want is a lifetime with you. You claim to be a crazy girlfriend, well guess what? I'm a bit crazy myself.
You've got a long day ahead of you tomorrow and you're probably awake getting ready for it by now. I wish I could be there to support you but for now, the only thing that I can do is pray for you and pray for us.
Yes, I'm angry at myself. Maybe that's why I've almost ceased caring for myself. The only reason why I still care is because of those words you said - 'please wait for me'. Inside me, there's this immense feeling of hatred building up but not for you, your friends nor your sisters but for myself. They say time heals all and I hope this is true in your case. However, it isn't for me. With each passing day, as I count down the days till your return to Moscow, I find that hatred building up more and more. Subtle and calm in the beginning but mutating into something much more violent and frightening. Each and everyday I pray that you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.
We nearly ended up quarreling again today over a little misunderstanding. I'm not mad nor was I annoyed. Instead, I was quivering with fear that we'll end up arguing again. I'm just glad that you checked my previous text messages and saw that I was telling the truth and that nothing I said was sugarcoated. Maybe I just wanted us to say goodnight to each other on a friendlier note because our conversations always seem to end bitter lately.
I smiled sincerely for the first time in what seemed to be a very long time and I'll be content knowing that I managed to carve even the tiniest smile on your face. I know that there will be a lot of bumps and obstacles on the journey ahead of us but please remember that you're not alone because I'll be with you each and every step of the way. Do your worse and come what may but I'm not budging and not going anywhere ( Hey, that rhymed! ). What happened yesterday speaks for itself and is a testimony of what I just said. I know what I'm getting myself into and I accept whatever that comes knocking on my door because all I want is a lifetime with you. You claim to be a crazy girlfriend, well guess what? I'm a bit crazy myself.
You've got a long day ahead of you tomorrow and you're probably awake getting ready for it by now. I wish I could be there to support you but for now, the only thing that I can do is pray for you and pray for us.
0 comments:
Post a Comment