Guess what? I'm sick. I woke up with a fever but nothing serious. The only thing that saddens me is that my nose is blocked and I can't sniff your t-shirt anymore. That means no more anesthetics.
I See You Shining Through The Rain
I began this day as I have everyday since that tragic Thursday, probably more or less the same way any family member would after the death of a loved one, with an unbearable sense of emptiness and anger towards the person responsible but in this case, that person is me.
Yes, I'm angry at myself. Maybe that's why I've almost ceased caring for myself. The only reason why I still care is because of those words you said - 'please wait for me'. Inside me, there's this immense feeling of hatred building up but not for you, your friends nor your sisters but for myself. They say time heals all and I hope this is true in your case. However, it isn't for me. With each passing day, as I count down the days till your return to Moscow, I find that hatred building up more and more. Subtle and calm in the beginning but mutating into something much more violent and frightening. Each and everyday I pray that you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.
We nearly ended up quarreling again today over a little misunderstanding. I'm not mad nor was I annoyed. Instead, I was quivering with fear that we'll end up arguing again. I'm just glad that you checked my previous text messages and saw that I was telling the truth and that nothing I said was sugarcoated. Maybe I just wanted us to say goodnight to each other on a friendlier note because our conversations always seem to end bitter lately.
I smiled sincerely for the first time in what seemed to be a very long time and I'll be content knowing that I managed to carve even the tiniest smile on your face. I know that there will be a lot of bumps and obstacles on the journey ahead of us but please remember that you're not alone because I'll be with you each and every step of the way. Do your worse and come what may but I'm not budging and not going anywhere ( Hey, that rhymed! ). What happened yesterday speaks for itself and is a testimony of what I just said. I know what I'm getting myself into and I accept whatever that comes knocking on my door because all I want is a lifetime with you. You claim to be a crazy girlfriend, well guess what? I'm a bit crazy myself.
You've got a long day ahead of you tomorrow and you're probably awake getting ready for it by now. I wish I could be there to support you but for now, the only thing that I can do is pray for you and pray for us.
Yes, I'm angry at myself. Maybe that's why I've almost ceased caring for myself. The only reason why I still care is because of those words you said - 'please wait for me'. Inside me, there's this immense feeling of hatred building up but not for you, your friends nor your sisters but for myself. They say time heals all and I hope this is true in your case. However, it isn't for me. With each passing day, as I count down the days till your return to Moscow, I find that hatred building up more and more. Subtle and calm in the beginning but mutating into something much more violent and frightening. Each and everyday I pray that you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.
We nearly ended up quarreling again today over a little misunderstanding. I'm not mad nor was I annoyed. Instead, I was quivering with fear that we'll end up arguing again. I'm just glad that you checked my previous text messages and saw that I was telling the truth and that nothing I said was sugarcoated. Maybe I just wanted us to say goodnight to each other on a friendlier note because our conversations always seem to end bitter lately.
I smiled sincerely for the first time in what seemed to be a very long time and I'll be content knowing that I managed to carve even the tiniest smile on your face. I know that there will be a lot of bumps and obstacles on the journey ahead of us but please remember that you're not alone because I'll be with you each and every step of the way. Do your worse and come what may but I'm not budging and not going anywhere ( Hey, that rhymed! ). What happened yesterday speaks for itself and is a testimony of what I just said. I know what I'm getting myself into and I accept whatever that comes knocking on my door because all I want is a lifetime with you. You claim to be a crazy girlfriend, well guess what? I'm a bit crazy myself.
You've got a long day ahead of you tomorrow and you're probably awake getting ready for it by now. I wish I could be there to support you but for now, the only thing that I can do is pray for you and pray for us.
0
comments
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Eye Opener
I'm still numb after what happened last night. It was like a bad dream that I want to forget, certain lines and certain scenes keep playing over and over again in my head. I just don't know what to think. The things you said last night were really beyond words. But I accept them with open my hands and an open heart. I deserve them, I brought them upon myself. I just hope you get back to your normal self again soon and please don't think I'm trying to make you look bad here. I'm not. You have home and family over there. I have only blogspot.
Ohana
I was browsing through our old emails and was reminded of this.
Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
:-(
Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
:-(
0
comments
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Undefined
Do you know when am I the happiest these days? No matter how badly you treat me, no matter how much you scold me, no matter what names you call me, no matter how much you hurt me, no matter how you make me feel not human, no matter how heartless and cold you make me seem, no matter how much I hate myself, no matter how terrified I am and no matter how much you push me away everytime I open myself up to you. All these things don't matter, I accept them all with open hands and a sincere heart because I'm happiest when I hear from you and I know I deserve everything that is happening right now. I brought it upon us and myself. You're right about what you said 2 Saturdays ago. Remember what you said?
It may not be spot on but it was more or less what you said and it keeps playing in my head over and over again like a broken tape recorder. I now know what a broken toy feels like once its batteries run dry. Just like the song below, I know I'm 2 years overdue but I know I can make up for it if only you let me and you don't push me away all the time. God can forgive me because he knows how sorry I am. I'm just praying that you find it in your heart to forgive me too.
" You're a piece of shit that treated me like shit.
You don't deserve anything good.
You're better off sad and
lonely for the rest of your life and
you'll probably die sad and lonely
and you'll have a sad and lonely funeral.
You're not human.
How can you live with yourself? "
You don't deserve anything good.
You're better off sad and
lonely for the rest of your life and
you'll probably die sad and lonely
and you'll have a sad and lonely funeral.
You're not human.
How can you live with yourself? "
It may not be spot on but it was more or less what you said and it keeps playing in my head over and over again like a broken tape recorder. I now know what a broken toy feels like once its batteries run dry. Just like the song below, I know I'm 2 years overdue but I know I can make up for it if only you let me and you don't push me away all the time. God can forgive me because he knows how sorry I am. I'm just praying that you find it in your heart to forgive me too.
Something To Shout About
I got my very first 4 ever since coming to Russia. For some people, this may not sound like such a big deal but for people like me, it was an academical achievement. Getting back to my seat, I still couldn't believe my eyes and all exhaustion just vanished.
Walking out of the classroom, the first thing I did was take out my phone to let you know but it was then I realized that you weren't in Russia and there was no way I could let you know the good news. The euphoria lasted for 10 seconds before I slumped back into my depressed self. Funny how the first person I thought of was still you but I could never find you.
Maybe I was expecting some words of comfort after pouring this out to you instead of you avoiding it altogether? I don't know. But then again, you're in more need of comfort than me right now. But you're home and I'm here all alone holding on to promises made that will be fulfilled and hopes that could be destroyed within a few seconds.
I'm not a piece of crap. Please don't do this to me.
Walking out of the classroom, the first thing I did was take out my phone to let you know but it was then I realized that you weren't in Russia and there was no way I could let you know the good news. The euphoria lasted for 10 seconds before I slumped back into my depressed self. Funny how the first person I thought of was still you but I could never find you.
Maybe I was expecting some words of comfort after pouring this out to you instead of you avoiding it altogether? I don't know. But then again, you're in more need of comfort than me right now. But you're home and I'm here all alone holding on to promises made that will be fulfilled and hopes that could be destroyed within a few seconds.
I'm not a piece of crap. Please don't do this to me.
0
comments
Monday, January 25, 2010
Give Me Something To Smile About
Didn't sleep at all because I was burning the midnight oil for my exam today but all was in vain because I couldn't concentrate at all. Even now, 5 minutes before I leave, I find myself online typing this instead of getting ready to leave.
Do you know that the first thing I do when I wake up is go online to see if I got any emails from you? You haven't even given me your house address yet. I didn't ask you those times you messaged me because I wanted to see if you still cared about me but I just want you to heal first.
Last night, you made me feel like the worst piece of shit on the planet. I probably am after what happened but that's the reason why I didn't want you to go back because I feel that it's times like that that I need to speak to you. How are things supposed to get better if everything I say hurts you or reminds you of something bad? I told you earlier that the future of this relationship is in your hands right now and I hope you really start to understand this. The only thing I can say is that I never cared about what people thought of me as long as we were together, which is very different from you. I took everything my family threw in my way for 2 years for our sake and you can still say that I was never serious. I don't blame you though because after what happened, I can understand how I may have given that impression. It's the insides that you never saw and even now, you refuse to see the new me when all others around me can literally see. The one person that I want to prove it to refuses to acknowledge the change in me.
I'm an emotional wreck. You should see me right now. Maybe then you'll understand the magnitude of how sorry I am and how determined I am to salvage whatever little that is left. I'm sorry about last night. You must understand that you have your family there with you while I'm here all alone hanging on to the very little amount of sanity that I still have left. Maybe I just wanted to hear a few words of endearment and kindness for comfort perhaps? Please don't make me do something that you'll regret. I beg of you.
Do you know that the first thing I do when I wake up is go online to see if I got any emails from you? You haven't even given me your house address yet. I didn't ask you those times you messaged me because I wanted to see if you still cared about me but I just want you to heal first.
Last night, you made me feel like the worst piece of shit on the planet. I probably am after what happened but that's the reason why I didn't want you to go back because I feel that it's times like that that I need to speak to you. How are things supposed to get better if everything I say hurts you or reminds you of something bad? I told you earlier that the future of this relationship is in your hands right now and I hope you really start to understand this. The only thing I can say is that I never cared about what people thought of me as long as we were together, which is very different from you. I took everything my family threw in my way for 2 years for our sake and you can still say that I was never serious. I don't blame you though because after what happened, I can understand how I may have given that impression. It's the insides that you never saw and even now, you refuse to see the new me when all others around me can literally see. The one person that I want to prove it to refuses to acknowledge the change in me.
I'm an emotional wreck. You should see me right now. Maybe then you'll understand the magnitude of how sorry I am and how determined I am to salvage whatever little that is left. I'm sorry about last night. You must understand that you have your family there with you while I'm here all alone hanging on to the very little amount of sanity that I still have left. Maybe I just wanted to hear a few words of endearment and kindness for comfort perhaps? Please don't make me do something that you'll regret. I beg of you.
0
comments
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
