Insomia Again

I don't know if you still read my blog or not. I keep reading your last email over and over again. I must have read it at least 10 times today. I'm just waiting for the 16th of February to be here. I have faith in God and I know my prayers will be answered. I've never prayed this hard before in my entire life. Not even for my SPM. For the first time, I'm actually looking forward to classes next Monday because I'll be so busy that I'll be distracted for a while and it'll make it seem like the days are going by faster. If only you could see me now, if only you could see the things I'm thinking and see me inside.

Not hearing from you is painful but I agree that this is probably the best thing for us right now. Things will probably be more or less like this in the future once you graduate and I'm still here. But we are already a better couple now. I just want to make you happy again and make you feel like the luckiest girl on Earth. I want to make up for my sins and prove you wrong, prove to you that I am someone that you can trust again. In the end, I'll be the one saying 'I told you so' instead of your friends doing so. Don't give up on us just yet. Just like you said in your email, you're not giving up just yet. I also remember what you said in that Italian Restaurant and in that sms you sent me, I'm still waiting for you.

Basketball

It wasn't cold but the winds were strong and the snow was thick. That didn't stop us from venturing out to play basketball. It's been awhile since I did and it was a nice change to being cramped up alone in my room and letting my overactive imagination get the best of me. Half my body is aching right now. I don't usually feel like this after a game. Maybe it's because of my current vegetarian diet.

I had a bit of fun. I gave up smoking weeks ago but I guess the effect will linger around for a little while. For some reason, everytime I scored a basket, I found myself looking at the benches nearby. I thought it was weird myself and only a while after did I realize that I was hoping to see you there. At tournaments, each time I scored, I'd look at you and you'd be smiling at me as if you were saying 'good job, baby. Score a few more for me'. I got depressed, lost focus and played one of the worst games in my entire life.

I tripped at one point. You know that feeling when an accident happens and you can somehow smell blood? Lying down on the ground, I swear to God, I could smell your scent. It wasn't vague but vivid, as if you were crouched over me checking if I was injured or not. I didn't want to get up because I didn't want to lose your scent. Maybe it's because I've been sleeping with your t-shirt next to my face since the day you left. It disappeared after a few minutes and I felt like it was such a painful prank but after awhile, I felt as if you were present in the hall, watching my every move. This may sound insane but I felt closer to you for some reason after that.

I've made up my mind. I'm not playing in the inter-Moscow games nor am I playing in the Kursk Games. I have no reason to play. I want to win something much more significant and meaningful. I know I'll win. Nothing can stop me.

Tests and Trials

A close friend of mine, my closest friend in my university once told me that we should never blame God for the hardships that you have to endure because God will never put you through something that He knows you can't handle.

Family, life, studies, health and love. Those are things that are bugging me right now and I am truly going insane. I can't stand it anymore. Isolation does not help. Cramped up in a room with a view of grey skies and falling snow isn't what I'd call a conducive atmosphere.

But I know all shall pass. It's always darkest before dawn and a rainbow only appears after a rain. Prayer and hope is all I have right now.

Untitled

You'll be happy to know that some of my friends are back so I'm not alone anymore. I have some people to keep me company but in my heart, I'm dying of emptiness. I find myself staring at the calendar and counting down the days until you come back to me. It's exactly two weeks till you arrive in Moscow again. I recall you telling me that a week went by really fast for you. For me however, it felt like an eternity.

The guys made black pepper chicken just now and I fried some vegetables for dinner. The dish they made smelt really good and I found myself wishing I could just take a bite but I'm no longer that person, I'm different. There's a lot of things I wish I could do right now like have a BigMac, drown my sorrows in alcohol and smoke my lungs out but breaking my fast will just mean a broken promise, alcohol will not solve my problems and smoking will probably deteriorate my health even more.

What I really want however is to be happy with you again, to wake up to your messages, to feel your warm embrace, to hear your soothing voice and bask in the bliss that is your presence. I want to be able to grasp your hands in mine and to be able to feel you gripping back. Your tender kisses on me and the comfort that comes along with your scent. I want to be able to see your beautiful smile again and hear that addictive laughter of yours that sometimes sound like a comedic version of a motorboat.

I'm prepared to take on anything that comes along our way head on. No matter how painful or how hard. No matter how bad or tough you may treat me. Even if it kills me, I'll take on the world if I have to and this is no 'sugarcoated lie'.

Because what I want, above everything else, even disregarding my own sanity and well being, is simply for you to love me again...

Insomnia

This is what I hate about not being able to sleep at night. Your friends are asleep but then again, I'm all alone here. You start thinking about things that you're not supposed to. You try to recall the last time you actually hard a good nights sleep and for me, that was weeks ago. I was actually playing cards by myself. I hope I don't go mad.

Gods Way

A priest once told me that when you pray to God for patience, He doesn't hand you patience on a silver platter. He gives you an opportunity to be patient because that's when you learn how to be patient. When you pray to God for strength and courage, it won't come flying in from Heaven, you'll be put in a situation where you'll have to work for strength and courage.

I know God is just testing me, He's testing me, He's testing you but most of all, He's testing us. Call me superstitious or crazy but I've seen this before. I've seen His grace working so many times already and I know that it's His doing again. I can see it and I can feel it.

You've probably heard so many stories about couples like us with situations similar to what we're in right now and I understand. You're looking for closure and assurance. However, the difference with guys from those other couples compared to me is that they don't end up like me right now. They don't have what it takes and they just don't want to change. I've changed and you yourself said that you see the change in me right now. The question that remains is for how long? I know myself better than you know me. You hate the old me but you'll love the new me. This change is permanent. People around me who don't know what's going on, notice the change in me. That's why I'm just waiting for you to come back to me. You'll see.

I'm alone now and I'm cramped up in my room all the time but yet, He still manages to give me signs that my prayers and efforts are not in vain. I prayed for patience and He's giving me an opportunity to be patient. I have been every night. I prayed for strength and courage and what I'm going through right now is definitely what I asked for. I pray that I won't lose the girl that I'm with right now and He has helped strengthen our bond. I now know that after this we'll survive the test of time and distance without even trying. God loves us and wants us to be together. I don't have high hopes. This is called faith, faith in Him and faith in us.

Waiting

Around 7pm Moscow time, I usually keep my phone close to me no matter where I am or what I'm doing because I know you'll message me after midnight in Malaysia. I did the same today, checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if I missed something or whether my phone was off. My imagination ran wild again like a stallion and I was really tempted to message your mums phone but I thought better of it and decided to give you some space. You must have had a tiring day and I understand. Hope you had a blast though. I'm keeping what you said in that text message 2 days ago close to my heart and I'm still here waiting for you.