The 'Wonderful' Works of an Idle Mind

Insomia Again

2010-02-03T16:59:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you still read my blog or not. I keep reading your last email over and over again. I must have read it at least 10 times today. I'm just waiting for the 16th of February to be here. I have faith in God and I know my prayers will be answered. I've never prayed this hard before in my entire life. Not even for my SPM. For the first time, I'm actually looking forward to classes next Monday because I'll be so busy that I'll be distracted for a while and it'll make it seem like the days are going by faster. If only you could see me now, if only you could see the things I'm thinking and see me inside.

Not hearing from you is painful but I agree that this is probably the best thing for us right now. Things will probably be more or less like this in the future once you graduate and I'm still here. But we are already a better couple now. I just want to make you happy again and make you feel like the luckiest girl on Earth. I want to make up for my sins and prove you wrong, prove to you that I am someone that you can trust again. In the end, I'll be the one saying 'I told you so' instead of your friends doing so. Don't give up on us just yet. Just like you said in your email, you're not giving up just yet. I also remember what you said in that Italian Restaurant and in that sms you sent me, I'm still waiting for you.

Basketball

2010-02-02T14:37:00.000-08:00

It wasn't cold but the winds were strong and the snow was thick. That didn't stop us from venturing out to play basketball. It's been awhile since I did and it was a nice change to being cramped up alone in my room and letting my overactive imagination get the best of me. Half my body is aching right now. I don't usually feel like this after a game. Maybe it's because of my current vegetarian diet.

I had a bit of fun. I gave up smoking weeks ago but I guess the effect will linger around for a little while. For some reason, everytime I scored a basket, I found myself looking at the benches nearby. I thought it was weird myself and only a while after did I realize that I was hoping to see you there. At tournaments, each time I scored, I'd look at you and you'd be smiling at me as if you were saying 'good job, baby. Score a few more for me'. I got depressed, lost focus and played one of the worst games in my entire life.

I tripped at one point. You know that feeling when an accident happens and you can somehow smell blood? Lying down on the ground, I swear to God, I could smell your scent. It wasn't vague but vivid, as if you were crouched over me checking if I was injured or not. I didn't want to get up because I didn't want to lose your scent. Maybe it's because I've been sleeping with your t-shirt next to my face since the day you left. It disappeared after a few minutes and I felt like it was such a painful prank but after awhile, I felt as if you were present in the hall, watching my every move. This may sound insane but I felt closer to you for some reason after that.

I've made up my mind. I'm not playing in the inter-Moscow games nor am I playing in the Kursk Games. I have no reason to play. I want to win something much more significant and meaningful. I know I'll win. Nothing can stop me.

Tests and Trials

2010-02-01T15:31:00.000-08:00

A close friend of mine, my closest friend in my university once told me that we should never blame God for the hardships that you have to endure because God will never put you through something that He knows you can't handle.

Family, life, studies, health and love. Those are things that are bugging me right now and I am truly going insane. I can't stand it anymore. Isolation does not help. Cramped up in a room with a view of grey skies and falling snow isn't what I'd call a conducive atmosphere.

But I know all shall pass. It's always darkest before dawn and a rainbow only appears after a rain. Prayer and hope is all I have right now.

Untitled

2010-02-01T15:13:00.000-08:00

You'll be happy to know that some of my friends are back so I'm not alone anymore. I have some people to keep me company but in my heart, I'm dying of emptiness. I find myself staring at the calendar and counting down the days until you come back to me. It's exactly two weeks till you arrive in Moscow again. I recall you telling me that a week went by really fast for you. For me however, it felt like an eternity.

The guys made black pepper chicken just now and I fried some vegetables for dinner. The dish they made smelt really good and I found myself wishing I could just take a bite but I'm no longer that person, I'm different. There's a lot of things I wish I could do right now like have a BigMac, drown my sorrows in alcohol and smoke my lungs out but breaking my fast will just mean a broken promise, alcohol will not solve my problems and smoking will probably deteriorate my health even more.

What I really want however is to be happy with you again, to wake up to your messages, to feel your warm embrace, to hear your soothing voice and bask in the bliss that is your presence. I want to be able to grasp your hands in mine and to be able to feel you gripping back. Your tender kisses on me and the comfort that comes along with your scent. I want to be able to see your beautiful smile again and hear that addictive laughter of yours that sometimes sound like a comedic version of a motorboat.

I'm prepared to take on anything that comes along our way head on. No matter how painful or how hard. No matter how bad or tough you may treat me. Even if it kills me, I'll take on the world if I have to and this is no 'sugarcoated lie'.

Because what I want, above everything else, even disregarding my own sanity and well being, is simply for you to love me again...

Insomnia

2010-01-29T15:08:00.000-08:00

This is what I hate about not being able to sleep at night. Your friends are asleep but then again, I'm all alone here. You start thinking about things that you're not supposed to. You try to recall the last time you actually hard a good nights sleep and for me, that was weeks ago. I was actually playing cards by myself. I hope I don't go mad.

Gods Way

2010-01-29T10:28:00.000-08:00

A priest once told me that when you pray to God for patience, He doesn't hand you patience on a silver platter. He gives you an opportunity to be patient because that's when you learn how to be patient. When you pray to God for strength and courage, it won't come flying in from Heaven, you'll be put in a situation where you'll have to work for strength and courage.

I know God is just testing me, He's testing me, He's testing you but most of all, He's testing us. Call me superstitious or crazy but I've seen this before. I've seen His grace working so many times already and I know that it's His doing again. I can see it and I can feel it.

You've probably heard so many stories about couples like us with situations similar to what we're in right now and I understand. You're looking for closure and assurance. However, the difference with guys from those other couples compared to me is that they don't end up like me right now. They don't have what it takes and they just don't want to change. I've changed and you yourself said that you see the change in me right now. The question that remains is for how long? I know myself better than you know me. You hate the old me but you'll love the new me. This change is permanent. People around me who don't know what's going on, notice the change in me. That's why I'm just waiting for you to come back to me. You'll see.

I'm alone now and I'm cramped up in my room all the time but yet, He still manages to give me signs that my prayers and efforts are not in vain. I prayed for patience and He's giving me an opportunity to be patient. I have been every night. I prayed for strength and courage and what I'm going through right now is definitely what I asked for. I pray that I won't lose the girl that I'm with right now and He has helped strengthen our bond. I now know that after this we'll survive the test of time and distance without even trying. God loves us and wants us to be together. I don't have high hopes. This is called faith, faith in Him and faith in us.

Waiting

2010-01-28T13:41:00.000-08:00

Around 7pm Moscow time, I usually keep my phone close to me no matter where I am or what I'm doing because I know you'll message me after midnight in Malaysia. I did the same today, checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if I missed something or whether my phone was off. My imagination ran wild again like a stallion and I was really tempted to message your mums phone but I thought better of it and decided to give you some space. You must have had a tiring day and I understand. Hope you had a blast though. I'm keeping what you said in that text message 2 days ago close to my heart and I'm still here waiting for you.

Under The Weather

2010-01-28T07:41:00.001-08:00

Guess what? I'm sick. I woke up with a fever but nothing serious. The only thing that saddens me is that my nose is blocked and I can't sniff your t-shirt anymore. That means no more anesthetics.

I See You Shining Through The Rain

2010-01-27T15:37:00.001-08:00

I began this day as I have everyday since that tragic Thursday, probably more or less the same way any family member would after the death of a loved one, with an unbearable sense of emptiness and anger towards the person responsible but in this case, that person is me.

Yes, I'm angry at myself. Maybe that's why I've almost ceased caring for myself. The only reason why I still care is because of those words you said - 'please wait for me'. Inside me, there's this immense feeling of hatred building up but not for you, your friends nor your sisters but for myself. They say time heals all and I hope this is true in your case. However, it isn't for me. With each passing day, as I count down the days till your return to Moscow, I find that hatred building up more and more. Subtle and calm in the beginning but mutating into something much more violent and frightening. Each and everyday I pray that you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.

We nearly ended up quarreling again today over a little misunderstanding. I'm not mad nor was I annoyed. Instead, I was quivering with fear that we'll end up arguing again. I'm just glad that you checked my previous text messages and saw that I was telling the truth and that nothing I said was sugarcoated. Maybe I just wanted us to say goodnight to each other on a friendlier note because our conversations always seem to end bitter lately.

I smiled sincerely for the first time in what seemed to be a very long time and I'll be content knowing that I managed to carve even the tiniest smile on your face. I know that there will be a lot of bumps and obstacles on the journey ahead of us but please remember that you're not alone because I'll be with you each and every step of the way. Do your worse and come what may but I'm not budging and not going anywhere ( Hey, that rhymed! ). What happened yesterday speaks for itself and is a testimony of what I just said. I know what I'm getting myself into and I accept whatever that comes knocking on my door because all I want is a lifetime with you. You claim to be a crazy girlfriend, well guess what? I'm a bit crazy myself.

You've got a long day ahead of you tomorrow and you're probably awake getting ready for it by now. I wish I could be there to support you but for now, the only thing that I can do is pray for you and pray for us.

Eye Opener

2010-01-27T01:23:00.000-08:00

I'm still numb after what happened last night. It was like a bad dream that I want to forget, certain lines and certain scenes keep playing over and over again in my head. I just don't know what to think. The things you said last night were really beyond words. But I accept them with open my hands and an open heart. I deserve them, I brought them upon myself. I just hope you get back to your normal self again soon and please don't think I'm trying to make you look bad here. I'm not. You have home and family over there. I have only blogspot.

Ohana

2010-01-26T05:48:00.000-08:00

I was browsing through our old emails and was reminded of this.
Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
:-(

Undefined

2010-01-26T04:06:00.000-08:00

Do you know when am I the happiest these days? No matter how badly you treat me, no matter how much you scold me, no matter what names you call me, no matter how much you hurt me, no matter how you make me feel not human, no matter how heartless and cold you make me seem, no matter how much I hate myself, no matter how terrified I am and no matter how much you push me away everytime I open myself up to you. All these things don't matter, I accept them all with open hands and a sincere heart because I'm happiest when I hear from you and I know I deserve everything that is happening right now. I brought it upon us and myself. You're right about what you said 2 Saturdays ago. Remember what you said?

" You're a piece of shit that treated me like shit.
You don't deserve anything good.
You're better off sad and
lonely for the rest of your life and
you'll probably die sad and lonely
and you'll have a sad and lonely funeral.
You're not human.
How can you live with yourself? "

It may not be spot on but it was more or less what you said and it keeps playing in my head over and over again like a broken tape recorder. I now know what a broken toy feels like once its batteries run dry. Just like the song below, I know I'm 2 years overdue but I know I can make up for it if only you let me and you don't push me away all the time. God can forgive me because he knows how sorry I am. I'm just praying that you find it in your heart to forgive me too.

Something To Shout About

2010-01-25T08:23:00.000-08:00

I got my very first 4 ever since coming to Russia. For some people, this may not sound like such a big deal but for people like me, it was an academical achievement. Getting back to my seat, I still couldn't believe my eyes and all exhaustion just vanished.

Walking out of the classroom, the first thing I did was take out my phone to let you know but it was then I realized that you weren't in Russia and there was no way I could let you know the good news. The euphoria lasted for 10 seconds before I slumped back into my depressed self. Funny how the first person I thought of was still you but I could never find you.

Maybe I was expecting some words of comfort after pouring this out to you instead of you avoiding it altogether? I don't know. But then again, you're in more need of comfort than me right now. But you're home and I'm here all alone holding on to promises made that will be fulfilled and hopes that could be destroyed within a few seconds.

I'm not a piece of crap. Please don't do this to me.

Give Me Something To Smile About

2010-01-24T20:51:00.000-08:00

Didn't sleep at all because I was burning the midnight oil for my exam today but all was in vain because I couldn't concentrate at all. Even now, 5 minutes before I leave, I find myself online typing this instead of getting ready to leave.

Do you know that the first thing I do when I wake up is go online to see if I got any emails from you? You haven't even given me your house address yet. I didn't ask you those times you messaged me because I wanted to see if you still cared about me but I just want you to heal first.

Last night, you made me feel like the worst piece of shit on the planet. I probably am after what happened but that's the reason why I didn't want you to go back because I feel that it's times like that that I need to speak to you. How are things supposed to get better if everything I say hurts you or reminds you of something bad? I told you earlier that the future of this relationship is in your hands right now and I hope you really start to understand this. The only thing I can say is that I never cared about what people thought of me as long as we were together, which is very different from you. I took everything my family threw in my way for 2 years for our sake and you can still say that I was never serious. I don't blame you though because after what happened, I can understand how I may have given that impression. It's the insides that you never saw and even now, you refuse to see the new me when all others around me can literally see. The one person that I want to prove it to refuses to acknowledge the change in me.

I'm an emotional wreck. You should see me right now. Maybe then you'll understand the magnitude of how sorry I am and how determined I am to salvage whatever little that is left. I'm sorry about last night. You must understand that you have your family there with you while I'm here all alone hanging on to the very little amount of sanity that I still have left. Maybe I just wanted to hear a few words of endearment and kindness for comfort perhaps? Please don't make me do something that you'll regret. I beg of you.

The Show Must Go On

2010-01-24T00:37:00.000-08:00

I think you must have read my blog because 20 minutes after I posted it, I finally got a text message from you. Wanna hear something funny? I jumped up and ran towards my phone but the second I saw your sisters name on the message, I threw my phone down. I panicked for a while thinking that your sister messaged me to confirm my deepest fears. Finally I got the guts to read it and saw that it was from you. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling under the weather. Please get better soon. Take care.

Everybody's leaving. My floor is practically half empty now. By tomorrow, another bunch is leaving including my roomate and my blockmates. By Wednesday, I'll be the only one on this floor. Have you ever realized the things that you can come up with when you're bored and alone? Add a little sorrow and guilt to that and voila! You've got a recipe for disaster. But wait! Add a little sense-of-nothingness and everything-is-meaningless to that and damn. I wouldn't want to be near anything like that because that's the perfect recipe for mayhem.

I miss you, you know. Your t-shirt is the only thing saying 'the show must go on'.

T-Shirts Are Narcotics Too

2010-01-23T10:21:00.000-08:00

I knew I wouldn't hear from you the minute you board that plane. I knew you wouldn't send me a text message from Dubai and from after you arrive in Malaysia. I knew we were never going to keep in touch even while you're home. I'm not angry. I do understand because that's the exact reason why you left, you wanted to heal and forget. Maybe you didn't like the book I gave you? I just wished you didn't promise me that you'd do so because I'm by my phone every minute hoping to hear from you. Every time my phone rings I hope it's you. I even wondered if my phone wasn't working.

I went to the airport today to sell our tickets but I couldn't because they didn't let me. The trip to the airport and back was very painful because we were supposed to be on that train. But at least the trip the airport kept me occupied because of all the hassle and trouble that we had to go through while we were there. I saw a couple in the train expressing their love for each other and imagined that it was us there. I'm really sorry about what happened and I only kept thinking about how I could turn back the hands of time and relive that very moment to prevent it from happening. But I guess I'll have to wait until someone actually invents a time machine.

I haven't eaten a full meal since you left. I had bits and pieces just to fulfill my promise to you. I kept waking up at night because of images of you abandoning me. I kept your t-shirt next to me because your scent was like drugs, giving me a temporary sense of paradise and utopia. I clung on to it as if I was clinging on to dear life itself. I found myself lying down in the darkness drowning myself in guilt, fear, sorrow and regret. It's unhealthy, I know. But let me punish myself for all the things I've done.

I hope to hear from you soon. You're still in my heart, thoughts and prayers. I'm going insane. Please come back to me.

Your sad bunny with its ears down

A Letter Delivered Late

2010-01-20T13:13:00.000-08:00

You came when everything was dark, just like rays of sunshine fighting through the storm. A subconcious prayer that was answered and materalized before my eyes. You were someone and we were strangers but you became everything and we became soulmates.

In a cold and dark place, you became my muse. You became someone who not only fought for me but fought with me. You stuck with me through thick and through thin. In a world where weakness is a vulnerability, your warm embrace became the center point of my universe. A small utopia where I could lose myself and destroy these thick walls that I've created to protect myself. The scent of your hair is lovelier than any perfume. The sound of your voice never fails to bring a smile. The character of your laughter is indeed very addictive. The sight of your smile would melt the hardest iceberg. The warmth of your touch is beyond words.

We, human beings are imperfect but that is never an issue because all that matters is loving someone who is imperfect perfectly. It's your little flaws and our differences that attracts us like magnets. I was never perfect but I was made in the image of something less than imperfect. The heavens however sent me an angel straight from above.

A blind person physically is bad but not as bad as someone who has perfect eyesight yet fail to see. I was blinded by my own flaws and imperfections. But I see now. My eyes have been opened by His grace. I have been showered with blessings from above and only made to realize now. I'll never be blind again. How can a person not appreciate life after being handed a 2nd chance?

Wherever you go, whatever you do, I'll be right here waiting for you. I know it's a line from a song. Richard Marx to be exact but it was the first of many songs that I dedicated to you. Maybe Richard Marx stole it from me? Just kidding. On a more serious note, I will be counting the days. 3 weeks is nothing compared to a lifetime with you and only you, Baby.

Beautiful Saturday

2010-01-17T02:23:00.001-08:00

I had the best day of 2010 yesterday. It didn't start off well but as the day progressed, it got better and better. I had the best meal I've had in what seemed as a very long time and also I got to spend time with someone who is dearest to me. I had the best sleep but my roomates said I was talking in my sleep. That's embarrassing. I know it'll still take time but that's all I'll have once you go back. Time and hope. I hope you come back. I really do. I swear things will be better.

I Admire You, Professor Burago

2010-01-15T00:55:00.000-08:00

Oh wow, here's something I've never done before nor think I'll ever do. I'm updating my blog through my Iphone. I'm so used to blind typing that even typing this intro is being a bitch because of the small keypad on my Iphone.

I had an exam today. Before that, I had to submit my coursework before the exam to be able to take the freaking exam. I tried submitting yesterday but I didn't pass which was surprising because I was pretty sure that everything is more or less accurate. But I found out today why I didn't pass.

For those who don't know the examination system in Russia, here's a short introduction. To be able to take any exam, you need to submit all your labs first. This will be where the professor will ask you how the experiment was conducted and a few theoretical questions that are related to the lab. Then you're required to submit a coursework that is related to the subject and the professor will examine your coursework and you'll have to defend your work so that the professor knows that you did it on your own. Only then you'll be able to sit for your exam.

Now, my professor was awarded the title of academic hero back in the soviet union, he is one of the most respected professors in the whole freaking institute and he wrote countless amount of books that were even translated into English to be used in MIT. Why I didn't pass? Because I didn't buy his freaking book. IDIOT. I asked my Russian classmates and you know what they had to do last semester? They had to look for his book, buy the damn thing and go to him for an autograph after he which he will make a small note that you bought his bloody book. For quite a respected professor, he's also quite the idiot and a narcissist. I mean, COME ON! Buying the book just because you have to is already bad enough but you have to get an autograph from him?! Wonderful. Simply beautiful.

Where am I right now? I'm in a nearby cafe taking a break before trying to submit my bloody coursework again. I'm tired and exhausted. My chest hurts because I just finished an entire box of cigarettes. I didn't sleep the whole night preparing for the exam that I wasn't allowed to take. The gastric acids in my stomach is acting up again. I'm heartbroken and depressed.

The look of the pavement down below from the 16th floor looks pretty tempting right about now.

Wonder What Will Kill Me First

2010-01-12T22:24:00.000-08:00

My head is buzzing because I haven't had enough sleep in over a week. My biological clock is messed up beyond repair because I'm not sleeping properly. I have gastric pains every now and then because I haven't been eating solid foods and my chest is hurting. To top it all of like cream on a cake, I've got this really really heavy feeling in my chest.

So what am I doing up at 8 in the morning on a break day? I have no idea. I just can't sleep. I hope the pixies and the fairies come home quick.

The Promise

2010-01-12T09:37:00.000-08:00

Let's assume, you had the most precious stone in the world. To that stone is a price tag with so many zeros that even Einstein would go nuts. But you never realized how valuable that stone is until you lost it and the only thing standing your way is a promise that you'll never take that stone for granted anymore. You know for a fact that you won't lose it again because you've learned your lesson but how do you convince that stone that you'll not repeat that same mistake again?

The future of that stone with you is dangling on a thin peace of thread and the slightest breeze would cause it to fall out of your hands. What would you do? Wouldn't you go all out to make sure that the stone won't fall to the ground? Only an idiot would never learn his lesson and let that stone out of his sight. You know for a fact that you'll be a better caretaker and a guardian but like I said, that promise is standing in the way. The problem is not that you can't fulfill your promise, you'll die before breaking that promise but words are just words especially coming from a person that lost the stone in the first place. What would you resort to?

If I was the caretaker and guardian of the stone, after losing such a precious stone, I would be cursing myself and doing everything I can to get it back. I would go to Hell and back just to get a sight of it again. The only thing that I'll need is a place for me in your heart to fill back again because only a fool wouldn't have learned his lesson by now.

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

A Fairy Tale Not Meant for Kids

2010-01-10T10:24:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, there lived a bunny. This bunny was somewhat 'unlucky' because he got kicked out of his burrow and got sent to the coldest place in the world where his bushy tail will fall off in the freaking cold. For quite some time this bunny was cursing his maker of his misfortune until one day, he met a bear.

The bunny took an instant liking towards the bear and things got off to a good start. For the first time since getting sent to Gods Hell on Earth, the bunny was feeling happy and it was mostly thanks to the bear. They had all sorts of adventures together. They went to cities. They went to islands. They went to beaches. They even stayed in burrows and caves together.

This bear was a caring yet fierce bear but because of the bears fierceness, this bunny got scared at times and irritated. However, the bears hard love eventually turned that bunny into a happier, healthier and more hygienic bunny. Thing were looking good for the two however, just like other fairy tales, things always take a turn towards the worst.

The bunny was never the perfect bunny that the bear thought of and the bear was well aware of this. The bear tried changing the bunny and it worked for sometime until the bunny made a very big mistake. A very big mistake, one that should have never been made. The bunny broke the bears heart and the bear was very disappointed. The bunny tried his best to win the bear back but all the bunnys efforts were in vain. The bunny however managed to salvage very little of that relationship and keep things going but at the end of the day, it's a decision that is up to the bear.

The bunny knew that deep down inside, the bunny could change. The bunny could be a better bunny. A more loving bunny. A bunny that would give the bear all the love, respect and loyalty in the world if only the bunny was given a shot at it. The bunny knew that it would be a very hard task but the bunny will succeed. The bunny knew that for a fact.

The bunny wishes that the bear could look into the bunnys heart and see how sorry the bunny is for what the bunny did. How the bunny wishes that the bear could look at how sincere the bunny is at working and rebuilding all that the bunny destroyed. The bunny wishes that the bear could see how terrible the bunny is without the bear. His whiskers untrimmed, his claws long, his fuzzy paws dirty, his eyes sad, his face tired, his mind a mess. All day the only thing the bunny thinks of his the scent of the bear, the smile, the hugs, the kisses, the times shared together and what the future may hold for his bunny and bear.

One day, the bear tells the bunny that her heart is beyond repair and there's nothing the bunny can do. Everything the bunny does is meaningless now. Nothing seems to have value. Nothing seems worth it anymore and nothing is appealing. The bunny couldn't live with himself for the things he has done.

As the pavement gets closer and closer, all the bunny could think of was how he wished that he could turn back the hands of time to a better time and stop himself from committing those horrible deeds. But alas, all is gone. The wind through his bunny ears gives him a feeling of redemption for all the sins he has committed. His heart however is burdened with guilt and hatred for himself. One last look at the pavement above his bunny head, he closes his eyes with his fuzzy bunny paws and in a second, the bunny is no more.

Sunday Revelation

2010-01-10T10:08:00.000-08:00

I have amazing friends. I really do. I just never saw them that way earlier for reasons that are still a mystery to me. Am I a Catholic? Yes, I am. And where do Catholics go to on Sundays? They go to church. Where did I go today? To the Gurdwara ( I hope I spelt that right). I'm not converting into another religion or anything like that. I just felt like I needed to get my ass out of my room today and I've been promising my friends to accompany them to that place for God knows how long.

The journey took an hour. More or less. While getting dressed, I was contemplating on bringing my camera long because I had images of a temple filled with holy scriptures, statues and architecture in my head. When asking my friends opinion, he told me just to forget about it. When I asked 'why?', he said that I'll understand when I get there.

The building looked like an abandoned warehouse or something back in the Soviet days. The entrance to it looked scary with a security guard looking at you funny. We had to go up a few flights of stairs filled with Russians smoking near the windows and I was met with a very serious looking Punjabi who looked like he was going to beat the shit out of me if he finds out that I'm not a Sikh.

We took off our jackets and I put the headscarf on my head because it was required that we do so. The place was very misleading because once I entered the praying area. It was very quite and serene. I'm not a Sikh, therefore I didn't pray there. But I just sat in a corner and absorbed the scenery of the place. It was simple, somewhat modern and serene. After that, we were treated to Indian food. So much of it that I almost puked. I enjoyed the food but I'm having stomach discomfort now.

While sitting down there, I was reminded that God works in mysterious ways. We, human beings will never be able to comprehend His thoughts or plans and it's best we just leave that to Him. I realized that maybe God was reaching out to bring His child back into His arms. I've resisted all this while, giving all sorts of excuses and it took a Gurdwara to bring me back to Him. ( Not only that to be honest ). Amazing, isn't it?

The minute I got back, I puked again. Dammit. But after recovering, I immediately went online to look for a Catholic Church. It's been awhile since I've been in God's presence. I want to sit in a chapel where it's quiet, with the Body of Jesus Christ in front of me and just cry out to the Lord. I want to be a child again. To be able to let out my problems and worries to Him, knowing that my cries will not be in vain. I will spend the entire day there tomorrow.

A prodigal son returns, Father. Please accept me again.

First Rantings of 2010

2010-01-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

I always pictured 2010 to be a new start for me. 2008 and 2009 were basically times filled with turmoil and hardships for me and I'm glad to have them over with. However, God always has a funny way to mess up your plans. 2010 is beginning to be the worst year for me ever.

It all started with New Year. We were planning a small civilized get together with a bunch of close friends but New Years in Russia never go according to plan. By the end of the day, a fight broke out, a friend lost his passport along with 20000 rubles which is more or less RM2500. He got his passport back. Someone found it and decided to return it. The cash on the other hand, is long gone. I doubt he'll be able to find it again. Hell, if I was the lucky bastard that found that amount cash, I would grab the cash as well.

This part is the most painful for me to write. It is in the human nature to NEVER appreciate something that we have until it's too late. I'm sorry to say I learnt it the hard way. I lost something very dear to me. In fact, it's the only thing that gives meaning to everything I do, think and say here. I'm an idiot to have let it slip out of my grasp. But I'm not stupid enough to repeat the same mistake again. I won't say much here because I'll save it for another post.

So where did the fairies and pixies that were supposed to bring good luck and prosperity to me this year disappear off to? They went on permanent vacation.

My Life's Calling

2009-12-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

Last night was very dramatic for me as I probed very deeply into a question that every human being asks themselves at a certain point in their lives. What am I doing here? What is my life's calling? My answer to those questions are, I still have no freaking clue! But I know what it isn't and that is NOT along the lines of being a doctor.

Now I have this friend who is quite known for having 'anger management issues'. Most people can't bear with him but I tolerate him because I feel that his heart is in the right place. So I was asleep and my roommate woke me up all of a sudden saying that this guy was looking for me and I could hear his voice outside shouting 'Den, Den, my hand got cut off'. Now, he's also known to be quite the prankster and I thought he was just pulling my leg because we just watched a zombie movie so I thought he was just trying to be funny.

My eyes were as round as plates the minute I got out into the corridor because there was blood everywhere. It was as if little bloody leprechauns were dancing all over the corridor floor and his hand was literally dangling off his wrist. He wanted to open his room door and I couldn't figure it out, so I had to hold his hand to keep it from toppling over for a few minutes and I could actually feel his bones. Not forgetting that I was getting drenched in his blood as well. I always thought of myself as someone who is able to handle blood but boy, was I wrong. I felt as if I was going to faint before my friend.

After a few cigarettes, I got my brain working again and got things together. The ambulance came and took him away immediately. I was left standing in the cold, drenched in blood as I walk back the blood filled corridor. I was so disturbed that I only fell asleep around 6 in the morning. I have no idea what the fuck happened to him and the only thing he tells us is that he slipped.

We came up with all sorts of theories and one of them was attempted suicide because that was what the guard suggested. I guess we'll just have to wait till he comes home first.

So, yeah. I remember a time once when I wanted to become a doctor because I wanted to make a change in the world and I wanted to help people. Once I got into form 4 and started learning biology, I realized that I'd be saving MORE lives by NOT becoming a doctor because I won't be killing people with my 'license to kill'. Talk about a bullet dodged for mankind.

Refugee

2009-12-19T03:41:00.000-08:00

I finally know what a refugee feels like. I shall stop making jokes about refugees all over the world and I humbly ask for your forgiveness. I should have never taken sadistic pleasure out of your misery.

Let me tell you what happened. After a long week of torture mentally ( from professors ) and physically ( from the harsh Moscow weather ), I was looking forward to a nice day indoors, where I can keep myself warm under my blanket, put on some relaxing music and enjoy a good book. This is one of the many simple life pleasure that I enjoy and it's been awhile since I've been able to do it. 5 minutes into my little piece of heaven, the director of the hostel walks in and says that we have to move everything because they want to do some renovations to the room. It took us bloody 5 hours to move everything and another 2 to settle in into our new room. We'll be here for 2 weeks at least so the room is in a mess. Most of our things are 2 floors below and the things that we've brought up with us are nowhere to be found. The rooms are nice though but it's freezing. I'm sitting down in my sweater and jeans while typing this. I literally know how it feels like to live in a fridge. But then again, that's what you get for coming to one of the coldest places on Earth. A Lebanese guy once told me that he feels like he's being punished for all his sins whenever he steps out into the cold. I feel you, bro.

On a lighter side, I found a lot of shit that I thought I've lost over the years and we've finally found the initiative to redecorate the room once we move back in. The most amazing thing I found was this piece of paper that I wrote when I was 15. I can't even remember bringing it to Moscow, I thought I lost it while cleaning my room before moving to boarding school. It must have slipped somewhere into my books when I was bringing them here. So, here's what I wrote. Just so you know, this was when I was really into the 'conspiracy theory' and shit like that.

Each old year passes with shameful deeds in hindsight,

Each new year reinforces more dreadful plans in foresight,

For September 11 to happen we made way,

We allowed unbridled power to hold sway,

Terrifying global atrocities of ignominy,

We watched, for refugees we collected money.

High altitude bombs on Afghanistan fall,

We watch, we hear, we read it all.

Death it rained to children, women and elders,

In towns, villages and on mudhouse dwellers.

Like grain to flour pounded they are,

Undefeated remain the networks of Al-Qaeda.

To wage war two marched armies attack,

There was no war, 'they' didn't fight back,

"Harborers of terrorist," bla bla bla,

Innocent peasants, it was not their war.

Hiding high above the clouds, cowards superior,

No soldier on ground dared combat the warrior.

Feuding warlords to kill their kith they came,

For the world power's strategy they fell, what shame.

World leaders have turned sheep to 'blair' around the 'bush'.

The rest of us around our necks wear a shameful flush.

"A hundred days, a hundred ways" a victory claim?

Our mortal target no where in sight to aim.

"This war on terrorism, your families will live 'in peace'"

Anger and hatred in the hearts of war victims will cease.

Last drop of family blood sinks in the sand,

Nothing more to lose except life in hand,

With every bomb a hundred more human terrors cloned,

For vengeance is sweet, suicide honed.

We, the nations of the world, stand in condemnation,

We breed the agents for our self-destruction.

War is no way for peace, but the knell,

The UN head takes the cake Nobel.

Justification of draconian legislations,

With the weapon of the 'Medes and the Persians'.

"Members of the world has never been more united", says Georgy.

United in shame, dancing with Ares and Mars in orgy,

World leaders hailed in the annals of history.

Human values relegated to the mortuary.

We deserve the world we claim,

On us be shame, shame oh shame.

My English has deteriorated a lot since those times. Sigh.

Something I Really Want For Christmas

2009-12-10T02:55:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine was complaining a couple of days back about how she won't be able to celebrate Christmas this year with her family. This was a very big mistake on her part because she chose the wrong person to complain about it to. Don't get me wrong, I can be sympathetic and be a very good listener if I wanted to but WHAT ABOUT ME? I've not even been home for Christmas since 2006. Not to mention I'm stuck in a country where Christmas just goes about like any other day. She got pretty pissed after I told her to 'join the club'. Not my fault. I think. I hope. I don't think so. What was I talking about again?

I can't believe December is here and 2010 is just around the corner. Wow, time does fly. I've already grown accustomed to not being excited about Christmas. Sad, I know. It's like the time a kid finally realizes that Santa is never going to come because he doesn't exist. It's funny that I never believed in Santa? I blame it on my dad for 'not having a chimney'. Truth be told, I stopped looking forward to Christmas a long time ago. Same goes for New Year, Valentines Day and my own birthday.

But if I could ask Santa for something this year, I would ask for a brand new Nikon D300s. Woohoo! With 2 lenses that'll cost a small fortune. I've been really saving a lot ever since coming back to Russia but money seems to hate me because I can never seem to save money for some reason. Sigh. You know that feeling when you really REALLY want something, been reading shit about it online for months, watching reviews, hanging around forums and discussions boards and putting that bloody thing as your wallpaper ( maybe it's just me, I don't know ) only to realize that the only thing standing between the two of you is the price tag and a few measly notes? I was so disappointed when my dad messaged me the 'best' price he could get it for. But hey, life's like that right? It's not the camera but the photographer right? ( this is the part where you nod and agree with me just to make me feel better ).

But I've been a really good boy lately. My friends can vouch for me on this. I read most of the time now both studies and photography. I'm home most of the time - as sober as a judge. So Santa might just decide to pay me a visit on Christmas maybe? I just hope that mofo dresses warm because it's going to be freaking -30 degrees by the time it hits Christmas and we wouldn't want his balls to freeze, would we?

Windows Are Magical

2009-10-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

I remember a time when I used to love writing stories. For some I just stopped. This is a story that I posted on my old blog. It's dedicated to a close friend of mine who passed away a couple of years ago because of Cancer. I call it 'The Window'.

This is a story about a friend of a friend of

mine. They were both good friends. The best of friends. They were both born at

the same time, on the same day and in the same place. They even had the same

name. They grew up together and experienced the changes in their life that time

brought with each other by their side. They went to the same school, played the

same sports and even had their first loves at the same time. They were

inseparable and everybody thought that if one should ever leave to meet the Good

Lord earlier, the other would soon follow because of a broken heart.

As they grew up, they had big plans together.

They would go to the same university, study the same course and graduate at the

same time. They would work at the same place or maybe start their own business

together. They even thought about getting married at the same time with each

other. They had a relationship that most brothers would envy and a bond

stronger than the hardest substance on earth. But fate had a different plan for

the both of them as one of them got sick and got home bound. Due to a serious

illness, one of them had to spend the rest of his days stuck in his room and

the only contact that he had with the world outside was through the window he

had in his room.

These 2 friends still kept in touch and the

healthier of the two would visit his friend through that very window to tell

him of the world outside. Oh, how he would look forward to that very hour when

the cheerful face of his friend would appear at the window. In fact, it was the

only thing that kept him going and gave him strength as his illness ate bit by

bit of him every minute of every day.

As time went on, this window became a

significant part of his life. It was through this very window that he watched

his good friend’s life take a 180 degree turn for the worse as his friend too

was diagnosed with the same deadly illness. He watched as his friend was being

crushed with problems from every direction in his life. How much he cried

watching his friend crumble to his knees, breaking down to tears and not being

able to do a single thing to help. How much his heart pained as he watched his

friend’s heart being broken into a millions of pieces by someone whom he

thought loved him as much as he loved her. Still he found himself amazed at how

much his friend could love that person with all the little pieces of his broken

heart. He found himself in tears as he watched his friend turned to alcohol,

drugs and sex for comfort when he couldn’t find it in anywhere else in the world.

Lastly, his own heart broke watching his friend leave behind his God, his

family, his friends and everything that he once held dear to his heart and

watched as his life crumbled along with every last bit of hope that he once

held on to for his dear friend.

This hurt him most because no one else

understood his friend as much as he did. No one ever did and no one ever will.

It’s too late to turn back now, too late for regrets and too late for 2^nd

chances. There is no 2^nd chance in life. Not even for anyone. He is

now confined to a wheel chair, he has lost half the hair on his head and the

illness has left him in bones. He watches the world go by through the window

everyday with tears filling up his eyes as he remembers his friend. This hurt

him most, more than anyone else in the world because no one else understood his

friend as much as he did. No one ever did and no one ever will because the

window that he looks out from everyday isn’t a window, it’s actually a mirror.

I'm not an Arab. Stop shooting.

2009-10-31T08:31:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. This is mainly because of the classes that I've had to attend lately. By the time I get back home, my brain won't be functioning normally so I'll be in a zombie-like state most of the time. But it's Saturday today. Yahoo!

I don't understand why people would come to Russia to study. I really don't. But they do keep coming despite vast media coverage of racist attacks in Russia. A couple of weeks ago, I had the pleasure of meeting another idiot like that. A 28 year old dude from Syria by the name of Rami. I was introduced to him by another friend from the Student Council because he had no idea what to do with him.

Now Rami doesn't speak Russian at all and speaks only a bit of English. I find it frustrating trying to communicate with him because I feel like I'm talking to a child with all sorts of hand gestures flying around. People around me on the other hand, find it amusing. I don't blame them because I would be laughing too if I was not on the receiving end.

So as Rami and I try our best to communicate, I picked up a few words in Arabic that might help smoothen the flow. As fate would have it, Rami lives on the same floor as I do. He comes every now and then for help and I seriously don't mind. But there's fine line between being someone of need and being someone who's annoying.

Maybe it's frustrating because we don't communicate that well? Or maybe it's just because he comes at the most inappropriate times. For example, I was having a very late lunch. I was so hungry that I could have eaten a horse and a cow. Well, maybe not a cow but you get the idea. He comes in asking me to translate a few forms, insisting that it'll only take a few minutes. Tired and pissed off, instead of telling him sternly that I have to eat first, I help him out with a smile on my face.

Or maybe it's just because I look like an Arab myself? Because the first time he saw me, he started talking gibberish and only moments later did I realize that it was Arabic ( I'm not ignorant, I was just half awake at that time ). Or maybe he's just trying to recruit me into Al-Qaeda for looking like an Arab? I don't find the image of me with a turban and shouting 'Death to America!' to be appealing. I'm not being racist over here. I get more shit from racism that you can imagine.

So my Arab Brother has yet to do anything that would be the last straw that breaks the camels back. But he did introduce me to a bunch of Iraqis a couple of days back. Gulp. Something tells me I should just forget about French and pick up Arabic instead.

I'm a Catholic. So what?

2009-09-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

Don't fuck with me. Okay, maybe that was a bit rude but I think I own the right to say whatever I want when I'm pissed off and that doesn't happen very often. Believe me, even if I do get pissed, I'll usually forget all about it within a few minutes but some people are just gifted in finding the worst in me.

I say this with all due respect to Protestants all over the world but why the hell do you people like to fuck with Catholics? Do you get a kick from it or something? Try Ganja or if you want something a little more hardcore, I'd suggest cocaine or heroin. I don't know about the rest but I seem to be a walking target for you people. Throughout the years, I've had to deal with more shit from you people than anyone else. I don't go around telling people what stupid names you give your churches ( Okay, maybe that was uncalled for. Sue me. ) My modus operandi is that if I don't fuck with you, then you better not fuck with me.

Why am I pissed off? I'll tell you why. I've had a freaking long and tiring day today. I hate Russian bureaucracy. It is merely IMPOSSIBLE to get anything done here. The purpose of a well constructed administration is to maximize efficiency but theirs seem to decrease it. So after a day like this, I was basically looking forward to going home, taking a nice long shower, sitting down and enjoying a cup of coffee while I watch a few episodes of this series that I'm currently hooked on but a certain 'holy man' had other plans for me. It was a freaking long elevator ride from the 1st to the 12th floor.

I wasn't in the mood nor was I interested in the questions that he had for me. I mean, I go to whatever Church I want to. So what if your church is the real deal and mine is a fraud all along? It's my life and I'll be the one dealing with Satan later. Not you. I have no problems with people preaching as long as you don't mock other people's beliefs. Isn't that what you do? No matter what you say, that is what you're doing.

The next time I see that person and he starts his shit again, he won't be as lucky as today. Mark my Words.

Selamat Hari Raya

2009-09-20T12:59:00.000-07:00

The title of the post speaks for itself but no harm in saying it again. Selamat Hari Raya to those who celebrate it and to those who don't, I know know what's wrong with you. We're all Malaysians. The more the merrier. No harm in helping make someones day better.

Yesterday night was a really interesting night for me. Nearly everyone was on the phone talking to their families and loved ones. The rest was just helping out with the preparations for today. The atmosphere in the hostel was a totally different one compared to other days when everyone will just in front of their laptops and watch movies. I've got to say that I enjoyed it very much. A bunch of guys came to my room and we watched a Thai horror movie. The thing about Thai horror movies is that they don't make sense most of the time but they never fail to keep you on the edge of your seat. But if they learn to run like the wind every now and then, not to look into places that they're not supposed to and remember that there's always safety in numbers, I think the fatality rate will drop significantly. Dumbasses. I really enjoyed watching that movie. Not just because of the movie but because it's been awhile since my friends and I have done that.

Waking up today, the hostel seemed pretty quiet which was strange because previous Rayas used to cause so much noise pollution that I think even Malaysia was affected. As I sat in front of my laptop, I realized that it could be because most of them were at the embassy already. It was a cold gloomy day but the embassy was radiating so much warmth. It was nice seeing Michelle there and a bunch of people that I've not met in a long time. I really enjoyed catching up with everyone of them. Unfortunately, I can't remember half of the people that walked up to me today. It's not that I'm a snob or anything like that. I'm just very bad with names. I really am. But I do try :-( Anyone got any special remedies for this?

The highlight of the day was the party that we had today in the hostel. The food was good and it's actually nice seeing all of them in one place at the same time. I found myself sitting in a corner while watching everyone joke around and laugh. I got lost in the moment and in my own thoughts. For the slightest of moments, I forgot about all my problems and that I was in Russia. A friend caught me daydreaming and I was pulled into one of their pranks.

I have a fever right now and I doubt that I'll be heading off to the university tomorrow. But I've got to say that I enjoyed Raya this year compared to the previous years for some reason. I just wish I could get the same atmosphere for Christmas :-(

Dumbasses and Politics

2009-09-17T02:31:00.001-07:00

Ever notice how in a group of friends, there'll always be one guy who is very 'versed' in politics? He will have read every right wing and left wing newspaper and will always have an opinion on whatever is it that's going on right now all over the world. Let it be the rise of oil prices, who got demoted or who got promoted and even on same sex marriages sometimes. Gosh, I love it when people concern themselves with things that are NEVER going to effect their lives.

I usually tolerate these kinds of people because from what I see, people like these usually have a few reasons on why they go into politics in the first place. No. 1 - they see the mistakes and wrongs of the current situation and feel that they can do better. No. 2 - they THINK they sound cool when they talk about politics and my favorite No. 3 - they just have too much free time :-P Reason 2 and 3 are why I never bothered about politics. Although I do keep up with current events and stuff, I never liked it. In fact, I think that politics is just one dumbass losing the election and another dumbass coming to power. Either way, we're screwed. I may be wrong here but hey, that's just what I think.

Now, I have this friend. An old friend actually. We were in high school together. We lived on the same floor in our hostel but we never really spoke much. He was a weird little fuck. He keeps to himself all the time and never really mingles around. That doesn't mean we alienated him. No. In fact, I remember telling him on quite a few occasions to come to my room because we had extra food but he never showed up. We don't even know where the hell is he from but we kinda have an idea due to the West Malaysian accent that he has. Bear in mind, I never hated him and even when I was back home, I tried contacting him a few times because I heard he was in KK.

This motherfucker has turned from a quiet little fuck into a hardcore Malay supremacist. But hey, whatever makes u happy right? He'll post all sorts of shit on Facebook which amuses me sometimes because I don't think that Facebook is the place to start a propaganda or something. It's like going to a kindergarden and preaching about how they should all start hating each other and when they're all old enough, they are obligated to kill each other. LOL. I never really paid much attention to him until one day, he said something about an Indian was trying to diss Tun Mahathir or something. I just casually commented something but I was in a rush so I forgot to put an 'LOL'. That very same day after I came back from class, a full blown 'debate' was already on its way on his profile.

I never bothered to reply because I just wanted to stay out of it but I've got to say that some of the things he said were actually very racist. In fact, I feel that he should get his ass thrown into ISA for the things that he said. I was never a big fan of racism. In fact, I think it's stupid. But then again, everyone of us has a tiny bit of racism in all of us whether we'd like to admit it or not. I admit that I may be racist sometimes but I keep it under wraps and it's not up to the point where I'll go out and lynch someones ass. Look at it this way, I am of Indian heritage. I grew up in a Chinese neighbourhood and went to a Malay school. My best friend is a Punjabi/Chinese and most of my friends are Malays. But I never noticed this until that dumbass pointed it out.

We, East Malaysians are proud of the fact that we live in multi-cultural communities and we were never bothered by ethnicity. Of course there are a few bad apples that I'd like to bitch slap but overall, there's nothing wrong.

What happened to that dumb fuck? Well, after this Chinese guy who was my senior back in school screwed his ass ( not literally and no homo ), that guy just shut his mouth and turned his attention on the Malaysian new F1 Team. Serves you right, asshole.

Happy Birthday, Pap

2009-09-13T06:25:00.000-07:00

I know it's my dads birthday today ( don't worry, Sarah. This I WON'T forget ). To be honest, I don't really know how old you are exactly today but sincerely, I wish I was there to celebrate it with you. I can't remember the last time I was there to be with you on your birthday because as long as I can remember, I've always been away from home. I was either away in MRSM, in KL doing my foundation and here in God's hell on Earth. I'd give anything to be with you today but I guess it'll be awhile before I'll get to wish you in person on your birthday.

There are a lot of things I wish I had the courage to tell you in your face. I know we never got along on a lot of things especially when it comes to religion and politics. But you've been the biggest influence in my life. I used to hate going for all those courses that you used to send me on during the school holidays because they usually contribute to unnecessary brain usage during holidays but I still went because I didn't want to disappoint you. I especially remember the typing course that you sent me for 2 months when I was in primary 6. The ENTIRE class was filled with young girls who just graduated from school and wanted to become secretaries while putting out for something better. What the hell was a primary 6 boy doing there? Only recently did I realize the importance of all those classes and courses that I went for and you'd be happy to know, that nothing that I've learnt was left unused. In fact, they've just helped me more along the way.

I realize that I was never the model son that you wanted me to be. I've always considered myself to be the black sheep of the family for obvious reasons and will always do. All I've ever wanted was for you to be proud of me. I've seen the glitter in your eyes when you speak of ex-students who are doing very well right now and the biggest reason why I took this scholarship in the first place despite knowing that I'm going to hate being here was so that you'd have the same glitter in your eyes when you spoke of me. I'm so sorry for everything. :-(

I admire you for all the things that you've got through but I just wish that you'd let go of the past and pay more attention to the present. You've got 3 head-breaking grandsons/monsters and another one on the way. I hope it's a girl to balance the equation because I dont think I can stand the idea of 4 kids running around the house causing havoc. A loving wife who will not leave your side no matter what ( although she can be a headache at times ) and 4 children who think the world of you.

I've always kept you in my prayers, Pap. There's a lot more I wish I could say to you and I think I shall leave it out of blogspot to avoid unwanted embarassment :-P So, yeah. Happy birthday again, Pap. I love you. By the way, that conference call thingy that akka planned was AWESOME. I'm glad we could all sing you 'happy birthday' even though it was over the phone.

Get Me Out Of Here

2009-09-10T13:50:00.000-07:00

I hate this place. I really do. I refer to this place as 'God's hell on Earth'. That should more or less give you and idea on how much I hate this place. Although 'hate' is quite an understatement. Sometimes I wish that a nuclear war would just break out and all of us would have to be shipped back home immediately. I know that hell has a higher chance of freezing over before that happens though. Damn it.

I keep thinking to myself 'WHY THE HELL DID I COME HERE?' and is usually immediately reminded of a younger and more naive version of me whose only dream was to go overseas to pursue his studies. But fate would have it that I would get my ass thrown to this place. If I could go back a couple of years earlier, I would kick 38 different kinds of shit out of my younger self to have made him stay put in dearest KK.

Ask anyone studying here and you'll not hear even a single person singing praises about this place. If they do, it's usually one of the 2 scenarios. 1 - they're bigtime alcoholics who can drink like there's no tomorrow and 2 - they're just NUTS. I can't imagine how is it that I used to enjoy being here. Like I said, I was young and naive. I was a dumbass. There, I said it. It takes balls to degrade yourself like that but yeah, I did it.

Why am I still here? Well, I'm under scholarship and I can't afford to pay back whatever sum of money I may owe MARA. But even if I, by some miracle or by the Grace of God manage to obtain that amount of money, it's always the thought of disappointing my father that will kill me slowy. I just wish that he would understand but I doubt that he will anytime soon. It's not easy studying in these conditions. His reasoning is that 'if others can do it, why can't you?'. Well, maybe I'm not as strong as you think I am. Imagine waking up everyday looking forward to sunset so that you get the day over with as soon as possible. Prison isn't as bad as this. Oh wait. Maybe it is. At least we don't get our asses raped over here. But we do get racist attacks from Neo-Nazi Groups. It's kinda stupid if you think about it. They lost half of their male population to Nazi Germany during World War 2 and they have Neo-Nazi Groups here now? Do these people even have brains?

Oh, by the way, on a lighter note. A friend of mine mentioned to me a couple of days back that a friend of hers is coming here to do medicine ( if you're reading this and most probably you will, I apologize in advance and instead of getting pissed at me for this, bear in mind that I did my best to hold on to any sarcastic and rude remarks that I would have normally given under normal circumstances ). The standard response to a statement like this would usually be 'Why here? Couldn't he have gone somewhere else?'. The best part is, that dude turned down other offers because he wanted 'adventure'. For those of you who know me quite well, you can probably imagine how my facial expression and body gestures would be like after hearing that. For those who don't, please get to know me better ;-) Anyways, back to our Christopher Columbus, all I can say is, he's going to get one hell of an adventure here. Cheers to him and his future endeavours. Lol.

So, yeah. Please pray that I won't decide to jump out of the window ( I live on the 12th floor so that's gonna leave more than just cuts and bruises ). This is by far the biggest obstacle that I've had yet to overcome. Sigh.

Why not?

2009-09-10T05:11:00.000-07:00

This is probably my 3rd attempt at starting a blog. Over the years, I've had a lot of people who have walked up to me and suggested that I start a blog but I would just smile, nod and give the impression that I was taking them seriously when I'll just walk away later and forget about the entire thing. ( if you read this and recall a smirk on my face when you were talking to me about something serious and getting no feedback whatsoever from me later on, I'm truly sorry. )

Why did my previous 2 attempts fail?

Hmm. Well, my 1st attempt was basically this Friendster blog that everyone had back in the day when Friendster was the 'in' thing. Now everyone seems to have moved to Facebook leaving Friendster just a distant memory filled with viruses and spams. You have no idea how hard I laughed when I received a 'message' on Friendster from this really buff dude that I know sending me links to 'his nude pictures'. Both an amusing and scary thought at the same time. I haven't logged into Friendster in AGES and I'm not sure if my account is still active although I do receive emails from Friendster every now and then. My 2nd blog was basically a one week thing where I attempted to keep myself busy to distract my mind from this hell I'm currently in. As you can see, that went well.

So, why this 3rd attempt?

Well, some people say the 3rd time is always the charm. I say, those people can go eat a.. Nevermind. Well, I have a lot of crap and nonsense in my head that I feel is worth sharing. Sometimes. I just hope I don't offend anyone or get a court case along the way. But most of all, this was my younger sisters doing. She's an awesome writer. In fact, she writes better than me. Period. This is more or less a way to keep in touch with her and so that she'll know what's going on in my life right now. If you're reading this, I love you, Sarah. :-)

So, yeah. I just spent bloody 3 hours on trying to figure out how to upload themes and shit into blogger. I'm pretty proud of myself but considering on how fast other people are doing it, I feel like such a dumbass. I felt like a grandpa in a nursing home somewhere trying to figure out how to get the coffee maker to work or something. So yeah, cheers to me and the overpriced aerospace engineering degree that I'll be getting in 2 more years. You better hope that I won't be designing Malaysia's next satellite or the plane that you're going to board. Hehe.

May I keep this blog going for as long as I can. Amen.